Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Sheldon Does the Pageant

I feel compelled to start out this week with a disclaimer so you don’t get my ass sued for my off center ramblings "Although inspired in part by a true incident, the following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event, except of course Sheldon." There, that should cover it.

The Big Tuna is on vacation with my brother for 10 days so tonight I will make us literally the simplest meal ever.

Tortellini in Cream Sauce
1 package refrigerated tortellini
1 tablespoon butter
1 cup heavy cream
½ cup parmesan cheese
While cooking tortellini according to package directions, melt butter in small sauce pan. Add cream and heat just below boiling, add cheese stirring until a creamy sauce, and add in drained, cooked tortellini. There done, less then 10 minutes in the kitchen.

A few months ago Sheldon announced that she’d started a bucket list, I’m not entirely sure why a 21 year old needs a bucket list but have at it. I’m personally afraid if I make a list, it may depress me if I don’t get to check items off so I’m happy to continue to wing it in my usual willy nilly way. She said, “I want to try out for Miss Fill in the Blank State, you know Ronald Rump’s pageant. (Hence the disclaimer). I need to attend the information meeting with a parental unit.” Not only did I have to attend, but apparently there is a dress code, had to wear heels and pantyhose, on a Sunday afternoon, in August, in Phoenix. That’s true love for you.

At the registration table our official greeter signed us in and introduced us to the sales pitch guru. He sized me up with my first firm, man handshake as a woman who wouldn’t be sucked into the Toddler and Tiara vortex. Waiting for the other “contestants” to be seated they ran an endless loop of the Miss Left Coast pageant with tons of spray tans and giant boobs. Two contestant names? Miss Tarzana and Miss Weho? Really, me Tarzan, you Jane?

Assigned seating placed us in the front row, nice and close to Joe Isuzu. (Joe Isuzu was a smarmy car sales guy from my youth.) Joe spent the entire time trying to convince me what a fabulous opportunity it would be for our daughters. He spent his time talking about family commitment, translation, hang on to your checkbooks mommy and daddy. I of course came up with real questions during the Q & A. What’s the gig with scholarships? This here literature shows a full scholarship only to Basket Weaving U, what about real accredited schools? How do the girls get their local titles? Not real contests, just the first to arrive with their entry fees. Hello Miss Fire Rock. I laid it out for Sheldon, all dough is on you honey child, I have to give her credit, she got enough sponsors to cover the cost.

The big weekend just ended and Sheldon looked beautiful but did have one fatal flaw that knocked our Little Miss Awesomeness out of the competition. She was tall, she was fit, she had the magic blonde hair and……..the giant tattoo on her hip. They were unwilling to waive the only bikinis rules which left it out for the entire world to see. Her tat is a big color in crown, in theory it means loyalty or something, but all I can ever think about is the Burger King slogan, have it your way. Bebe in BFE watched the live streaming and the instant messaging community lit up the bar like a pinball machine according to her. Ah well, one thing checked off her list, 99 more to go. Hooray Sheldon

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Blackjack!!! Sheldon’s a Big Girl Now

Time flies when you’re having fun, our little Sheldon is turning 21 years old. Of course I had her when I was 12 explaining why we get mistaken for sisters. Okay maybe not sisters but one can dare to dream. Last night she left the house at 11:30 to meet her friends for her “Power Hour”. I obviously need to watch more MTV’s Jersey Shore in order to be up on the lingo. Fortunately, in her mind it meant having her first drink in the first hour on her birthday, not 21 shots in an hour as defined by Wikipedia. She is such a different creature then the Big Tuna and me, below are some of my stand out memories. I tried to get Sheldon to play this game with me in the truck today, but she was having none of that. Perhaps nursing a little hangover, she denies it.

I remember the time she bit Bebe’s son on the hand. Sean had the toddler silent scream face. You know the frozen one before they take that big breath and a giant shriek comes out. Bebe immediately called the pediatrician making me feel like a horrible parent who let their rabid child roam the street without its shock collar.

Shortly after Sheldon got her driver’s license she called me in the small almost crying voice. “Mom, I just got a speeding ticket, Dad is going to kill me!” Baby Girl, we all got speeding tickets, when I first met your fine daddy, he’d lost his own license for too many points on his for speeding. That’s why he had to walk uphill both ways everywhere. We won’t talk about her criminal speeding ticket from last year.

Once when we went to the bath and lotion place perusing the shelves for a lotion to help with dishpan hands we discovered our most overused phrase. When I queried the shop girl about the benefits of one cream over another she described it as “more thicker”. More thicker I asked? Yes more thicker. This has led us to several grammatically incorrect discussions, more funner, most bestest, to the point where we really need to stop before people think we really are dumber than rocks.

When doing the potential grand tour for college, we made a little side trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in Manhattan. Don’t get me wrong, I like art but I have the attention span of a gnat. Look, admire, move one. Sheldon is of the same mind. The modern art exhibit was our favorite, we kept saying, This? Is Art? One artist painted twenty 4 foot by 6 foot canvases a different shade, it looked like paint sample sheets at Home Depot. We were also a little freaked out by the union elevator guy, I thought he was going to break my arm when I went to push the button for the third floor. No unions in Arizona. To commemorate her big day, here is one of her favorite recipes.

Bread Salad
6 thick slices French bread, toasted under broiler and cubed
½ cucumber peeled and cubed
½ red onion diced
1 ½ tomatoes cut in wedges
¼ cup balsamic vinegar
Salt and pepper to taste
6 ounces feta cheese crumbled
1 cup kalamata olives, no pits

In bowl, combine cucumber, onion, tomato, vinegar, salt and pepper. Let stand for a bit, stirring occasionally until juicy. Add remaining ingredients and stir well. Serve immediately. This is a great side dish to ho hum potato salad and lets you change it up a bit.

Most people would reminisce about highlights and accomplishments their children reach on this milestone. We are more than a little proud of our little buttercup but the family that laughs together stays together. Of course Sheldon continues to have curfew much to her dismay. She may not need her beauty sleep but as parents who get up at 4:30 we need all the help we can get in the good looks department. Happy Birthday Kimberly, we love you the most-est.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Sheldon's Turning 21!!!!!

Sheldon's turning 21, crazy blog to follow..........

Saturday, November 6, 2010

The Princess and the Pea

I cannot sleep anymore, in my younger days, I could lay down and immediately pass out. I’ve had the most challenging year of my life to say the least but now that things are settling down why does Mr. Sandman elude me. The occasional sleeping pill just doesn’t seem to do the trick. I’ve decided an open letter to my star crossed lover may smooth things over.

My Darling Bed,
Why do you spurn me from your welcoming arms? I have always treated you with the utmost respect, never allowing the dogs to nap and shed on you. I turn you regularly to keep your figure in tip top shape. Even though on some nights when the Big Tuna snores me out and resort to cozying up to your cousin the Queen in the guest room, I always return. Was it your jealously with my short lived affair with the leather couch on Sunday afternoons? Insomnia is my new lover, but do not despair, I would welcome you back at the least inkling.
Sleepily yours,
Mrs. Tuna

In honor of the Princess in the Pea, this week’s recipe will be Pea Soup.

Easy Peasy Soup
2 cups green split peas, washed and picked over
6 cups chicken broth
1 ham steak, trimmed and cubed
Salt and Pepper to taste

Put the split peas and stock in large pot of medium heat, bring to boil and turn down to low. Add ham, partially cover and cook for approximately 45 minutes until peas are very, very soft. Mash peas with potato masher to smooth out. If soup gets too thick you can thin with a bit more stock or a bit of water. I personally won’t eat whole peas, they remind me of bloated deer ticks, but pureed they are disguised and tasty.

Who knows what the ultimate solution is, in the old says a shot of brandy was the prescribed treatment. My luck I’d end up with gout!!!