Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Sheldon Does the Pageant

I feel compelled to start out this week with a disclaimer so you don’t get my ass sued for my off center ramblings "Although inspired in part by a true incident, the following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event, except of course Sheldon." There, that should cover it.

The Big Tuna is on vacation with my brother for 10 days so tonight I will make us literally the simplest meal ever.

Tortellini in Cream Sauce
1 package refrigerated tortellini
1 tablespoon butter
1 cup heavy cream
½ cup parmesan cheese
While cooking tortellini according to package directions, melt butter in small sauce pan. Add cream and heat just below boiling, add cheese stirring until a creamy sauce, and add in drained, cooked tortellini. There done, less then 10 minutes in the kitchen.



A few months ago Sheldon announced that she’d started a bucket list, I’m not entirely sure why a 21 year old needs a bucket list but have at it. I’m personally afraid if I make a list, it may depress me if I don’t get to check items off so I’m happy to continue to wing it in my usual willy nilly way. She said, “I want to try out for Miss Fill in the Blank State, you know Ronald Rump’s pageant. (Hence the disclaimer). I need to attend the information meeting with a parental unit.” Not only did I have to attend, but apparently there is a dress code, had to wear heels and pantyhose, on a Sunday afternoon, in August, in Phoenix. That’s true love for you.

At the registration table our official greeter signed us in and introduced us to the sales pitch guru. He sized me up with my first firm, man handshake as a woman who wouldn’t be sucked into the Toddler and Tiara vortex. Waiting for the other “contestants” to be seated they ran an endless loop of the Miss Left Coast pageant with tons of spray tans and giant boobs. Two contestant names? Miss Tarzana and Miss Weho? Really, me Tarzan, you Jane?

Assigned seating placed us in the front row, nice and close to Joe Isuzu. (Joe Isuzu was a smarmy car sales guy from my youth.) Joe spent the entire time trying to convince me what a fabulous opportunity it would be for our daughters. He spent his time talking about family commitment, translation, hang on to your checkbooks mommy and daddy. I of course came up with real questions during the Q & A. What’s the gig with scholarships? This here literature shows a full scholarship only to Basket Weaving U, what about real accredited schools? How do the girls get their local titles? Not real contests, just the first to arrive with their entry fees. Hello Miss Fire Rock. I laid it out for Sheldon, all dough is on you honey child, I have to give her credit, she got enough sponsors to cover the cost.

The big weekend just ended and Sheldon looked beautiful but did have one fatal flaw that knocked our Little Miss Awesomeness out of the competition. She was tall, she was fit, she had the magic blonde hair and……..the giant tattoo on her hip. They were unwilling to waive the only bikinis rules which left it out for the entire world to see. Her tat is a big color in crown, in theory it means loyalty or something, but all I can ever think about is the Burger King slogan, have it your way. Bebe in BFE watched the live streaming and the instant messaging community lit up the bar like a pinball machine according to her. Ah well, one thing checked off her list, 99 more to go. Hooray Sheldon

17 comments:

Camille said...

Ra Ra Kim for going balls to the wall against the elite crew of Barbie!!! I hear skydiving is next.....WAY better than spray tan city ;)

dbs said...

"Toddler & Tiara vortex" = awesome.

ModernMom said...

Oh I admire "Sheldon" for creating a list. When she finishes it, she can always create another:)

Mrs4444 said...

This is really awesome. You sure can write. I love the story, too. Kids just can't be convinced to wait on those tattoos, now can they? You're a sweet mommmy.

Missy said...

I love that she has a bucket list!!
I would be an awesome pageant mom! LOL

Sandra said...

Sheldon is a girl after my own heart! I love that she has a bucket-list! Better to start at 21 then to be 50, and go "Oh shit! I should have done more!" Good for her!

Ca88andra said...

That recipe does look quick! Unfortunately my boys would be wondering where the meat was. I must get working on my own bucket list.

Pamela said...

Haha! At first I thought "Bucket list at 21?" but hey - why not? Kind of makes me wish I'd started one at that age too!
p.s. thanks for visiting:)

Heather said...

LOL... I love the title of your blog..I can relate!
Thanks for cisiting, following, and commenting at Teens and a Toddler! Following you back...

Emily said...

I wonder if when she got her tattoo you told her one day she would regret it?

FreeFlying said...

Haha! I got that you were being vague with the state, but I seriously thought, "Who the hell is Miss Fill? And why would anyone want to sharpen her pageant teeth on THAT title?"

A girl needs 2 Talk said...

Hi Mrs. Tuna! I'm sorry I took so long to come visit you. You've already read about how I'm a little crazy, so forgive me, will you? :)

Hooray Sheldon! This girl impressed me totally with her guts! So did her Mother actually! I'm sooo looking forward to reading more from you! :)

Have a happy, happy day!

Not Blessed Mama said...

i'm lovin' your blog! thanks for stopping by mine. i instantly would have added extra bonus points for a tattoo- don't they know how much it hurts to get those? they show perseverance and bravery!
oh, and i imagine one of my spawn will show up on a wanted poster someday. i'm saving money for a lawyer's fund instead of a college fund. ;)

Sarah said...

I really enjoy reading your funny and unique posts. I love how you add a recipe to every story, genius. My children and I are very picky eaters so I'm not sure what I'll try to make... lol.

Milk-2Sugars said...

haha, the bit about the tattoo reminding you of burger king made me laugh
awesome blog x

Little Miss Sunshine State said...

Oops, I guess Sorority Girl would be out with her lower-left ribcage tattoo. It's a big meaningful word.

Lynn said...

What a fun post, and hooray for your daughter, that she had a goal and went for it. Hope she got a chance to do the pageant wave -- that seems like it'd be the most fun part of being Miss anything :)