Wednesday, December 1, 2010

True Confessions of an Ex Paperboy

Several frosty mornings a week I have to crawl on my hands and knees, usually in my nylons and heels, to retrieve my daily newspaper from under my car. Yes, I know, I could turn the engine over, roll 10 feet out of my drive and pick it up but I am apparently a slow learner. I have left pathetic messages with the newspaper management but to no avail. Doubt Miss Throwing Papers in My Jammies From My Car Window will get a tip from me this Christmas. When I was a kid, delivering the morning paper was a time honored tradition for getting my hot little hands on cold hard cash to waste without parental control. My parents didn’t believe in allowance, we were on our own to scare up lawn jobs raking five foot deep tree leaves and babysitting Satan’s little children.

Even though my mom had her Master’s degree in math it was too risky to leave us at home during the day unsupervised for even a minute to go to work. Heaven knows what 87 thousand teenagers would do without someone to keep us under at least basic lock down. In order to bring in a few bucks to cover some extras she took a job as a district manager for the Newark Star Ledger. Basically she supervised young teen boys to pedal around the neighborhood throwing papers in the bushes and wresting their collection money out of their fingertips. In order to seek new virgins for the routes she would hang around school yards trying to seduce young boys into earning a little dough. Now a days she might have gotten arrested for trolling for young boys.

The problem was when a route went unfulfilled by an anxious young lad eager to earn cash to impress a certain young lady, my Sistah and I were stuck being the Magic Newspaper Fairy’s little helpers. Since she paid for our horse riding she felt it was a fair trade to get us up at O’f***ing clock early to thrown 50 millionity papers before school. Granted she drove and we slept in the 15 second increments that teens are well known for. Man I wish I could sleep like that now, as many of you know my king size bed and I aren’t seeing eye to eye lately. It’s been pretty brisk the last few days in Phoenix so here is a nice hot soup recipe.

Corn Chowder
1 pound ham steak cut into 1” pieces
4 tablespoons butter
1 cup chopped onions
4 cups peeled and cubed potatoes
2-17 ounce cans creamed corn
2-10 ounce packages frozen corn
13 ounces evaporated milk
13 ounces water
13 ounces milk
Salt and paper to taste
3 tablespoons parsley chopped

Melt butter n large soup pot. Cook ham and onion for 5 minutes. Add potatoes and cover with approximately 3 cups water or enough to cover potatoes. Bring to boil, reduce heat and cook for 15 minutes or until potatoes are tender. Add remaining ingredients and simmer for 5 minutes, serve with bread.

Often my mom would send then nubile teen versions of my Sistah and me to the playground in hopes of scoring fresh meat and we were happy to do. If only to reduce the wear and tear on our throwing arms and glean a little extra sleep. But…….there was one route we were unwilling to give up and delivered well beyond our high school graduation. Fraternity Row at Rutgers University had, who knew, a group of good looking college boys who liked to view the literary world opinions with their morning coffee. We understood our viewing audience and we were well dressed in tube tops and daisy dukes during our weekly collections. Naturally we changed in our car since Mom would never let us leave looking like the little trollops we wanted to portray. Not only did we get great tips, we got invited to lots and lots of frat parties. Let’s just say that grain alcohol in Hawaiian Punch goes down like well, Hawaiian Punch. Hopefully, Sheldon won’t follow in her mother’s footsteps. RU rah, rah, RU rah, rah, Go Scarlet Knights!


1 Funky Woman said...

Ha pregnant, I should think not! We have that taken care of! Thank God or you'd have to shoot me and put me on the 6th floor of the hospital! I think they keep my bed ready just in case! Psych not maternity!


Oh my sisters and I had a route also. Only way to make any cash since there were 4 kids. Mom wasn't about to start handing cash out to us!


dbs said...

I always knew there was a seedy side to paper routes. I'm surprised this hasn't been on Dateline.

Camille said...

This was a perfect bedtime story! Read just before dozing off last :)

Pamela said...

Ha! I love that your mom would solicit young boys from the schoolyard! The things people used to get away with even if perfectly innocent - it would never fly today.

Sandra said...

I have to tell you first, that I just saw the comment you left over at cchkesgalore...I can never spell her damn name...where you said, "Does he kiss his mother with that mother!" and I'm hysterical with laughter...
Ok, moving on, the visual of you crawling under your vehicle in your nylons to get the paper is even funnier! You know what though, the thought of backing the car up, would never have occured to me either...what does that say about us?

Anonymous said...

:D :D Your Mum was cool enough to let you change in the car??!! That's awesome! :D

Missy said...

I would have sucked as a paper girl! I would suck as the parent of a paper boy/girl...

Mrs4444 said...

I was a papergirl for a while; it sucked.

I have an idea; put a piece of plywood with a target on it against your car. She might not hit it, but it will keep the paper from going under the car!haha

Jason, as himself said...

Brisk, even in Phoenix? Wow.

Thanks for commenting on The Jason Show the other day, and I look forward to reading more of your blog, Mrs. Tuna!

Emily said...

My DH was a paperboy in Cleveland, through the horrid winters and all. Sounds like you got off easy to me! Funny story, and hello from a Jersey girl.

Heather said...

You are cracking me up!
I like the way you sneaked that recipe in there! I'll have to try it.

Thanks for dropping by at View From the Shoe and commenting Friday. It is great to meet you.

Kristina P. said...

I hope you showed a little nipple. Don't freeze to death in your 70 degree weather!

blueviolet said...

Hey! You drove a car on your paper route. My brother did it, and he had to carry that big ole satchel on his bike with him!

I couldn't do the paper thing because I'd been chased by dogs too many times in my life.

Major.Mack said...

when i was a kid i just ditched all the papers in the ravine |:)

rachel... said...

Hey, hot frat boys would have been the one incentive for me to get up that early as a teenager.

A few days ago, my newspaper was frozen to my driveway and I had to chisel it up and just immediately throw it out. I can't really complain, though, because we don't even pay for a subscription.

Anonymous said...

I helped my friend with her paper route when we were kids, I didn't like to roll the papers, I hate that feeling on my hands to this day. I have also worked since I was 16, that's 16 years! Ugh. I bought all my cars since then. I think it's a wonderful trait to have and to teach your own kids.

Kate said...

I was a Sunday papergirl for years. I pushed my papers around in a pilfered grocery cart and put my collection money in an old Crown Royal bag. (Velour! Soft!)

Surprisingly, I never received one single party invite.

Marla said...

Ah, I remember those days. I couldn't get a Daisy Duke on one thigh now.

ladies shoes said...

wow... this is nice blog.
i like it.