Sunday, January 30, 2011

What’s Your Sign my Little Zodiac Killer?

As a rule I don’t read my horoscope, sometimes vaguely checking it depending on how many stars they say my day was going to have. Never read anything less than a 3 star post, that would just be wrong. The first day of classes at ASU was ranked as a four star day, I chanced it.

Taurus-You are a learner, remember this, even when you feel like standing still in what you already know. Translation: Don’t spit on the 20 year olds, they may spit back.

But ASU f*cks you coming and going on random fees, parking permit…….$850 a year, Sheldon and I are sharing this little ransom pass. But it is the MOST amazing parking space. It overlooks the men’s diving team practice. Clap, clap, clap, clap, dive again my handsome Adonis, triple twist my young buck...ahem, I mean it’s important that the youth today exercise and not become couch potatoes getting fat right?

Wandering around campus made me feel like the uncoolest, unhippest, matronly woman on the planet. Usually when comparing myself to the same age plaintiffs on Judge Judy I think I’m holding up pretty well. Now I’ve gone from being the girl in high school that was eleventy feet tall to the woman who is eleventy years older. There is no way to compete with their player hair and bare midriffs. They just sucked all the pretty out of me. Gotta get me some spanks, that is a given.

My over control freak tendencies enabled me to show up with my color coordinated folders and sharpened number 2 pencils ready to roll. Glancing around I am easily the oldest of 450 students. As I had just driven straight from the salve market I was dressed as the middle aged professional that I am. I hiked up my control top pantyhose, mostly to hold in my fat, ready to absorb to finer points of Urban Planning. It’s an iPad versus iTampon world.

One class is an online adventure. Students are required to post their points of view on a discussion board about challenges facing third world countries. In every single post they were “shocked”. No one was surprised, upset , stunned, shaken, dismayed. Could it be that Mrs. Tuna is the only one who knows how to use a Thesaurus? Here’s a little something to hold you over until next week.

Microwave Spaghetti Carbonara
8 ounces spaghetti
10 slices bacon, cooked and crumbled
3 tablespoons butter
¾ cup grated parmesan cheese
3 eggs

Cook pasta conventionally while microwaving bacon until done. In 2 quart casserole dish, microwave butter until melted. Mix in cheese, eggs and bacon. Drain pasta and add to casserole dish. Toss with cheese mixture. Microwave on high 2 to 4 minutes or until eggs are set, tossing every minutes.

I however am doomed. One required class is called “Cities and Cinemas”. Basically, you watch movies and write papers based on Urban Planning concerns. Really, Julie & Julia qualifies for this? I kid you not. My problem is I cry at movies and sad TV shows. I wept so much when George’s dad died on Grey’s Anatomy I gave myself a migraine. I cry every time at Homeward Bound when the dog falls in the hole, know he gets out, but nonetheless, big mascara stained tear tracks, this is going to be ugly. But I am a Taurus, I am not full of Bullsh*t, bring it.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Sheldon Does the Salsa

First week in the hormone filled school zone was just ducky. I may whip up a blog involving my amazing parking space overlooking the men's diving practice but for now I thought I'd recap my little Buttercup's nickname.

Nicknames are a funny thing. When your little bundle of joy arrives you coo out little terms of endearment, Sugar, Sweet Pea, Baby Girl. My Dad embarrassingly saddled me with Pooh for my love of A.A. Milne’s Winnie the Pooh. This was prior to them being trademarked by Disney and other forms of over animation and glitz. Here I’ll mention this was a man whose own mama called him Buzz until the day she died.

A little innocent comparison to someone evolves in to something that sticks no matter how much you try and shake it. I once knew a kid named Nimrod who tried to convince me it meant mighty hunter. Snort, yeah right.

So what about Sheldon? Why pick such a nerdy name for our strikingly beautiful daughter? She is a born and bred overachieving smarty pants. Her favorite day, March 14th, Pi Day (3.14159265), math geeks unite. She was the kid who was having lunch everyday with the guidance counselor in 6th grade to figure what she needed to do to get her hands on scholarship dough. When I was twelve, I was happy to find my classroom and a seat in the back of the room.

Sheldon and "The Girl"

When the television show “The Big Bang Theory” came out, the most intellectual guy was Sheldon. She thought we called her that since she was so smart, in reality it was his desire to have only order in his life and color only in the lines. Assigned seating and color coordinated food became our norm. Sheldon begged us for a Periodic Table shower curtain just like the cast. Actually snorted when they told funny inside math jokes. Who are you? Were you switched at birth?

But she makes a mean Salsa, I mean the stuff is like heroin, I can drink it from a cup, why bother with chips.

Sheldon’s Salsa

28 ounce can whole tomatoes
Juice from 1 medium lemon
4 green onions
1 cup cilantro
½ white onion
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper
5 jalapeƱos
1 whole tomato, cut X on ends
1 ¾ reserved liquid.

Place 5 jalapenos and tomato in a sauce pan with 3 cups of water, bring to a boil for 15 minutes, reserve liquid. Seed peppers and skin the tomato and liquefy with reserved liquid in a blender. I should mention it should be done in a well ventilated area and those darn peppers should be handled carefully. I once thought I blinded myself when I scratched my eye while handling. Run the remaining ingredients in a food processor and place in bowl, pour in pepper combination. If you’re inspired you can cut up a few avocados and throw in. Serve with tortilla chips.

But the Big Tuna and I are proud of our little flower, she graduated 44th of 808 kids in her high school class with a pretty darn good scholarship to ASU where she is triple majoring in secondary education, math and Geek. All I got left for those of you in the Big Bang Fan Club, Bazinga!!!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

The New Adventures of a Naughty School Girl

A few months ago I documented my to Kool 4 Skool challenges on getting my ass in gear to get a degree in Urban Planning. The current economic climate made me realize I needed to put myself on my own pedestal. Since I have the social skills of a feral cat I know I need the technical edge to keep me from being eaten like a limping zebra. I was faced with the trials and tribulations of obtaining mimeographed transcripts from 1040 BC, getting my rabies shots and wading through used condom wrappers to get accepted at ASU.

But my personal life’s plate already shows signs of too many trips to the all you can eat buffet. What was I thinking? How can I crowbar in one more stinking thing? A typical week for Mrs. Tuna involves the following random acts.

I try and torture myself at 5 AM two or three mornings a week with Eva’s Braun’s best friend Helga the yoga instructor. You there, flamingo, spread your legs wider and get closer to the floor. This may be something I can let go, actually, I’m sure I can let go. I visit the invalid horse Lad an hour away once a week and ride the loaner horse 3 or 4 days a week. I sit on a variety of professional boards and lecture sweet young girls on the fabulousness of working in a man’s world. And oh yeah, a minimum 40 hour work week at Giant Engineering Company.

I also need to make time to wear my naughty girl school outfits, I mean make dinner for the Big Tuna. At this point in the blog Sheldon is poking her eyes with a sharp object to burn that image out of her head. Mommy and Daddy never did the nasty sweetie, we found you under a rose bush in the garden. Maybe honey child you should skip to the end of this post. Here is a fast during the week recipe so we’re eating more than drive thru next week.

Applesauce Pork Chops
1 jar of applesauce
4 medium thick pork chops

Pour half the jar of applesauce in the bottom of a shallow square baking pan. Place pork chops on top and cover with remaining applesauce and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with foil and cook at 350 degrees for an hour. Serve with mashed or bake potatoes.

During the winter school break I sent an email, even using my real name to fellow blogger Mrs. 4444s about how to get more followers and comments. Her amazing counsel helped me grow from 25 to over 100 followers, over 50 comments and a tweet on my last post and meet up with a ton of amazing and way funnier peeps than me. It’s been wonderful to have other people besides my drunken friends tell me I have mad skills. But I’ve been devoting a lot of time to my blog this break and know I have to make a few adjustments with carrying a full time class schedule on top of everything else.

So here is my commitment to you my fellow readers, I will continue to post every single week, but I may cheat and repost some of my earlier silliness. I assure you, I was just as freaking funny six months ago when none of you knew I existed. Bear with me Team Tuna, don’t Unfollow me. (This is the Facebook equivalent of being Defriended) Same time, same place next week. Peace out. See I’m hipper and more of a sorority sister already.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

The Chore Wheel of Death

It always seems to be an age old struggle of Men versus Women. While I had been a child bride in the stone ages, my mom ingrained in me that I wasn’t allowed to be a fragile flower and needed to be my own financial sugar daddy. The Big Tuna came from a more traditional upbringing where the little woman would hook up a big post church Sunday dinner and birthing babies. It’s all about negotiating. But somehow there are a few kinks in our chore wheel.

Every Saturday I do the grocery shopping, pen poised in hand quizzing Team Tuna on needed items. I do not have ESP to see that you are out of deodorant or ketchup a vegetable I do not eat has run dry. This however translates into 27 phone calls while at Safeway for missing items and several loops back to the condiment aisle thus ensuring my exercises for the day. I have to go before noon, heaven forbid there isn’t anything in the house for lunch for the starving masses.

But I have been making this trip for over 25 years, I’m always gone for 47 to 53 minutes and yet………no one is available to lug in the 83 pound bags. Excuses range from I was in the shed, taking a shower, mowing the lawn, going potty. Didn’t you hear me kicking the door in the 500 degree heat shrieking that the Cherry Garcia was melting?

Why is it that recycles are left at the end of the counter instead of walking the THREE additional steps to the recycle can. I even bought a great big one so you can’t complain it’s too full. A side note, the recycle people don’t take dryer lint, it cannot be woven into a new sweater. It should go in the other can, RIGHT NEXT TO IT.

Laundry is the bane of my existence, pushing it through the washer and dryer and piling it a gigantic pile in the middle of our bed does not constitute doing the laundry big guy. Nor does washing my work blouses and bras with jeans. I don’t mind folding it but untangling the maze of wire hangers to drape up our work clothes I hate. I live for when Kathy the Wonderful comes to clean the house every other week. She even DOES MY LAUNDRY, neatly folded and put away. Let’s bow our heads in thanks for the cleaning woman.

In honor of the Sunday dinner here is what we’re eating out our house tonight.

Beef and Broccoli

1 pound round or flank steak cut in 1/8” strips
Salt and pepper
2 tablespoons oil
1 clove garlic minced
1 medium onion minced
2 ½ cups beef broth
2 cups broccoli florets cooked
1 ½ teaspoon corn starch
2 tablespoons soy sauce

Sprinkle beef with salt and pepper. In large skillet heat oil, add beef, onion and garlic and cook until meat is browned on all sides. Add beef broth, cover and simmer for 10 minutes. Mix cornstarch, soy sauce and a bit of the heated broth in a small bowl. Add to meat mixture, add broccoli and stir until sauce has thickened. Serve over hot rice.

In all fairness I’ve never mowed the lawn or strung the Christmas lights. All that mechanical stuff gives me the willies. One day at work I was rushing out of the office to get home in time to prepare our anniversary dinner my boss asked, “And how many years of marital bliss is the lucky Big Tuna having?” At the time we’d been swapping wedded saliva for 15 years I answer 2. You see it’s not always rainbows and puppies, marital happiness happens in 10 minute increments Viagra notwithstanding. Just call me Vanna White.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

And the Winner is…….Me

Well, 1 Funky Woman picked me out of the eleventy million blogs she reads everyday for a Stylish Blogger Award and for that I thank her. There are a few rules in accepting the crown, no tattoos like Sheldon so I can be a winner.

a) Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.
b) Share 7 things about yourself
c) Award 15 recently discovered bloggers
d) Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award

No problem, I can share 7 things, the problem is that I have a tendency to over share. Sometimes I think I’m just saying it in my head, not out loud. Sheesh.

1. We did not own a television set until I was 12 years old. My parents thought it would turn our minds to sh*t. Okay they were right, it has. My dad Buzz, tried to restrict us to 1 hour a day, by putting a lock on the end. Little did he know Brother Marky Mark picked the lock and forced us to watch John Wayne movies every afternoon. He suspected something was up though since he felt the top of the TV every night but never caught us in the act.

2. Not having a TV forced me to read, when tested in high school they discovered I could read over 1500 words per minute. Shocking to all of us, but maybe explaining why I can speak 1500 words per minute. This only benefited me in reading Fabio like gothic novels and oddly enough Shakespeare. It also translated into reading a book a day until I had Sheldon. Now all I have time for is US Weekly Magazine while having a pedicure.

3. As many of you may not know, I am an avid horse back rider. When I was 17 years old I was the Junior Jumper State Champion and ranked 20th Nationally. Sold same said horse to the Japanese Equestrian team and he went to the 1984 Olympics. Maybe it was all the whips, chains and leather that appealed to me.

4. Again, my parents were all about improving our minds and not letting us waste ourselves. They forced all of us to take Latin and Typing in high school. It ended badly with missing my Latin final to sunbathe and typing 65 words per minute in my apology letter to my teacher.

5. When I was 16 years old my mother tried to run me over with her VW bug. In her mind she barely bumped me, it couldn’t have possibly been that this was the year all 7 of us were teenagers at the same time and she was on the brink. I’m sure I was the perfect, hardly any worries child, ah yeah.

6. As a child bride I actually grew 2 inches taller after I wed the Big Tuna. Thus recapping my youth as the tallest freaking girl in the Tri State area.

7. Finally, why blog? People have always said I’m the funniest person they ever met. But I started this in the Spring 2010 as a way to honor and remember my mom who had died a few months before. In addition to a world class cook, she made me and my family everything we are today. Every time I blog, it’s a way to keep her with me everyday. Miss you mom.

So here is the recipe that ties this little blog together so no one starves to death. I’m giving a quick recipe for sauce.

Hollandaise Sauce
3 egg yolks
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
Dash salt
Dash cayenne pepper
½ cup butter, melted

Combine eggs, lemon juice, salt and pepper and pulse gently in a blender. Turn blender on high and SLOWLY add hot melted butter. You can use for eggs benedict, broccoli or asparagus. An easy way to impress people into thinking you can actually cook.

Gosh, I’ve read so many of your blogs and comments and feel like we’re all BFF’s so no one hate me for not making the list but here is my list of 15 bloggers.

Mrs. 4444 of Half Past Kissing Time

Missy at Is It Just Me

Dbs at think.stew

Not Blessed Mom

I would encourage all of you to visit and comment all the lovely ladies, and Dbs at think.stew. I’m sure he’s lovely too and pass it on peeps.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Resolutions of the Muffin Tops

It was a big New Year’s celebration as it was Sheldon’s first since she turned 21.”Sweetie, will you please text us here and there so we don’t worry?” Absolutely, you betcha. When I texted her are 12:45 following radio silence I asked how she and her female wolf pack were doing, response, SO MUCH FUN! What I was really asking was what time were you getting in sugarplum, mommy is getting cranky past her usual 8 PM bedtime.

I could make the standard commitment to lose the post holiday15 pound fat layer but that would just be silly. Instead I will focus on the promises I know I can keep in 2011.

I WILL NOT eat my young. Mostly because now that Sheldon’s a grown ass woman, I can’t sneak up her anymore. I think I could still take her though.

I confess that I’ve been known to linger on stupid reality shows like Judge Judy and Teen Mom during idle TV surfing. I commit, I WILL NOT use the term Baby Daddy in any sentence. I might use Mama Drama, but definitely not Baby Daddy.

I WILL NOT eat the entire box of chocolate covered cherries. This has more to do with that Santa put them in the Big Tuna’s stocking and they remind me of cough syrup then any real willpower.

I WILL continue to cover the giant gray streak the only shows up on the right half of my bangs. The last thing I need is for Stacey London, host of What Not To Wear, to hunt me down for copying her hairstyle. Likely after she b*tch slapped me she’d turn me into a featured episode.

I WILL NOT update a profile. That has more to do with that I’m already married to the Big Tuna who I met the old fashion way on a blind date at the Rock Bottom Inn.

I WILL support the reestablishment of clam beds following the BP oil spill by not eating them. This has more to do with how raw clams remind me of eating snot then any real humanitarian process.

I WILL upkeep my nightly glass of wine. How else will Trader Joe’s stay in business? It isn’t that low class to drink it over ice is it? That’s how I stay hydrated.

Well maybe I’ll cough up a low calorie recipe since I might be feeling a bit of a January muffin top coming on rather than the comfort food I’ve been shoveling down.

Citrus/Avocado Salad
½ head Bibb Lettuce leaves washed and separated
3 oranges, peeled, white stuff removed and sliced crosswise
1 large grapefruit, peeled, white stuff removed and slice crosswise
2 avocados, peeled and sliced

Citrus Dressing
¼ orange juice
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
2 tablespoons honey
2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
¼ teaspoon ground cinnamon
¼ teaspoon ground ginger
2/3 cup vegetable oil

Line platter with lettuce leaves. Arrange orange, grapefruit and avocado slices as artfully as you can. I suck at this so basically I just try and make it look like someone out of 2nd grade did it. Drizzle Citrus Dressing over said platter right before serving.

I WILL continue to not make people do word verification. I have enough trouble myself reading those squiggly words that seem to be some kind of secret code I can almost crack. I WILL stop checking my blog status for comments and followers 24 hours a day. Primarily this has to do with that dumb job that I’m supposed to be doing. Here’s hoping all of you picked as challenging resolutions so that all your lofty goals can come true too.