Thursday, March 8, 2012

Almost Famous


I am almost famous. In a pathetic attempt to fulfill my self-gratification and increase my follower count, I sent an email to the nationally syndicated Cosmo Radio show, Wake Up with Taylor. I had heard my boyfriend Curtis Stone was going to be a captive, um guest in the studio. Not only did she read my email to her listeners, but the entire swooning post about my snuggly little Australian koala bear. I am now convinced we’re BFF’s even if I have to make her my hostage and lock her in the crawl space of my attic for my own pleasure and amusement.



So let’s do a little comparative analysis between Taylor, the little cup of espresso and Mrs. Tuna shall we? I’m certainly not a fashionistas as we all know. Sh*t, I’m happy if my pants are long enough since I’m eleventy feet tall not to expose my ankles. 
  • She’s all cool and hip in her trendy high waisted pants. I aim for high waisted in order to hold back my muffin top. I wear control top panty hose most of the time, sometimes even under my slacks.
  • She recommends a cute flirty scarf to dress up any outfit and lift your winter doldrums. I wear a scarf to hide the massive wrinkles on my turkey neck. If I had one piece of advice for my 20 year old self it would be to wear more sunblock on my d├ęcolletage.
  • She tantalizes her listeners with fluorescent color blocked shoes. I don’t even know what that means. Besides Payless, the only other shoes I know are Louis Vuitton and that’s because the Pope wears them. We all know he’s a bit of a fashion diva.

Taylor is always talking about how her size 4 clothes are a little too tight, I haven’t worn a size four since I was actually 4 to tell the truth.  I’ve just decided to embrace my tubbiness, so here is this week’s fattening recipe, join me on the dark side.

NY Times Macaroni and Cheese

2 Tablespoons of Butter
1 cup Cottage Cheese
2 cups Whole Milk
1 teaspoon dry mustard
1 pinch cayenne pepper
1 pinch nutmeg
½ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon pepper
1 pound shredded cheddar cheese
½ pound elbow macaroni, uncooked (yes uncooked)

Heat oven to 375 degrees, grease casserole dish with butter. In blender, puree cottage cheese, milk, mustard, cayenne, nutmeg, salt and pepper. Reserve ¼ cup cheese. Combine rest of cheese, milk mixture and uncooked pasta. Pour into prepared pan, cover tightly with foil and bake for 30 minutes. Uncover pan, stir, sprinkle remaining cheese and cook uncovered another 30 minutes.

Taylor and her partner in crime Kenny are ridiculously funny. In comparison, Mrs. Tuna is practically in a chronic vegetative state.  After she glorified me on her radio show several of you left comments or sent me thinly veiled jealous emails to congratulate me.  It makes me realize that I picked a preposterously long web page name.  Who knew two years ago that anyone besides my Sistah would read it? I’m happy to report that “Mrs. Tuna” comes up in the Numero Uno”  spot on Google search.

The question becomes, how can I get her to mention me every week? Or better, every day on her show? Well I guess when I bring breakfast to her jail cell in my attic she’ll be happy to promote this little blog to stardom for a little extra bacon. Eggs over easy Cosmo?

P. S. A little housekeeping Team Tuna. MOV told me about a newfangled Google gadget to sign up for email notifications for these nearly famous posts so you never miss my words of wit. Additionally, my "Like" counts on Facebook are sad and pitiful, help a sister out and like me over there too. 

36 comments:

Janie Junebug said...

I've already fuckin' liked you. You never leave comments on my blog anymore. Now that you're almost famous I suppose I'm not important enough for you. la di da la di da la di da da da da
I bet you don't even know how to get to my blog now and your invitation has expired. Just ask me and see if you'll get another invitation.

Love,
Janie Junebug

P.S. Of course you'll get another invitation. I'm an attention whore.

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

Dear Mrs. Tuna, I think it's about time you got your own dot.com, now that you are famous! And I want to know, is Curtis going to come you make you Chicken a la King? Any transcript of the show we can link to?

Mamma has spoken said...

I don't know what the hell you are talking about here. It sucks to be out of the loop......

robyn said...

I'm coming with you to the dark side (that Mac-n-cheese sounds SO GOOD!!!) assuming the dress code is Fashionably Casual, by which I mean "stained elastic waist pants preferred."

Mrs. Tuna said...

I notice a theme that I haven't been stopping by your blogs and commenting. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I will be on Spring Break starting 3/19 and will catch up with all of Team Tuna then. XOXOXO

Anonymous said...

Why can't you have the same spring break as the rest of the kiddos??? (and public school employees so we can play). We will just have to do some finagling. BTW-need to tell you about my adventures with the laser. Getting old sucks.

Andrea said...

There's nothing dark about mac&cheese!!!!

MOV said...

Go, Tuna! Woohoo! You ARE famous, not almost famous!

(And the "thinly-veiled jealousy" comment-- that was about me, huh?)

I think you should take breakfast (donuts) to her every day, maybe then she wouldn't make the rest of us feel bad by her being a size 4. (That size should be outlawed by the Society for Better Self-Esteem, by the way. Just sayin'.)

Have a great, and I can't wait to try your mac and cheese!

xxo
MOV

Angie said...

Congratulations on your fame!! That recipe has my stomach screaming at me for comfort food! ~drool~

Bouncin Barb said...

The "Famous Mrs. Tuna". Has quite a ring to it. A size 4? My right thigh is a size 12. How do fully grown people only get to a size 4? Do they starve to death?

Twisted Susan said...

A POUND of shredded cheese?

Hilary said...

I know I already emailed you... but.... I love wake up with Taylor and listen every morning. I almost drove off the side of the road when I heard her read your post...

Color blocked shoes are BEAUTIFUL just google it....

EmptyNester said...

Look at you gettin' all famous! At least I can say, I knew her when...LOL

Jojo said...

Lol! I have to say I just ordered the cutest color block shoes from Kohl's.... Now the problem is to figure out what to wear them with!! And puh-leeese don't talk about muffin tops.

The Empress said...

I'd say, definitely, almost famous.

WIthout a doubt.

xo

Kimberly said...

I'd be all over that mac and cheese like a fat kid on cake...if I didn't have an asshole for a gallbladder
And the hell? The pope wears expensive shoes??
I bet he could feed a 3 world country with just the laces.
Ps. Can I have your autograph famous pants.

Shawn said...

Geeeesh, some of my favorite bloggers are becoming famous..Now You!!
I'm with Pam,,,I knew you when!!
Bookmarked you Mac n Cheese..I just need to pick up some cottage cheese!

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

I am so making this tonight! :)

P. S. You are awesome! This line had me laughing out loud: "Sh*t, I’m happy if my pants are long enough since I’m eleventy feet tall not to expose my ankles." LOVE it! :0)

Lisa said...

Almost famous! Wow! And that recipe sounds to die for. I think I gained 5 lbs. just reading it!

Kara said...

Whoa girl! Back up a minute - the Pope wears Louis Vuitton?!

Congrats on the notoriety! And I mean that with all sincerity, and only a tiny bit of jealously ;)

Julie said...

A. I'll fight you for Curtis Stone. But I'm not eleventy feet tall so you'll probably win. Don't be scared.

B. I see recipes all the time here on the interwebs and almost all of them I think, "Sounds good. But someone needs to make it for me." This one I actually would make. For real.

C. This line right here: "If I had one piece of advice for my 20 year old self it would be to wear more sunblock on my decolletage." Yes to that. HELL yes.

D. All of the above. Indeed.

jennie jackson said...

Hey I'm a new reader and I love your blog. You don't need her validation--you rock already!

Nicki said...

Hey, ain't no shame in shopping at Payless! It's my favorite store!

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

You are Famous to me! More than Taylor..because I actually have no idea who Taylor is, but I like to visit here. I would like you on facebook too if I did it. But I don't...but I still like you...

Not Blessed Mama said...

I always knew you were destined for greatness.

Kristy @PampersandPinot said...

Yes, I'm totally in a phase right now where I want to be svelte and sexy, yet I'm having problems with eating everything in sight. Particularly comfort food. I live in a dream land, I do.

Jean | Delightful Repast said...

Congrats on your newfound fame, Mrs Tuna! I think I need to pull a similar stunt - I'll have to think on that for a while. At least the skinny wench wasn't bellyaching about a size 0 being a little tight! Whoever came up with THAT idea anyway - zero!

tattytiara said...

I always find size four pants a little tight around the knees. Mainly because that's as far as I can pull them up.

Stephanie said...

Oh I will so join you on the dark side! This sounds delish...perhaps even the reason spanx were invented!

Sandra said...

I'm here! I'm here! I've been a bad bloggy friend, but I am so hoping that with some time alone with the prisoner in your attic, you will come to realize that you were always with me in thought. As for fame and fortune, I say send the woman your mac 'n cheese instead of the recipe. Nobody can resist homemade! Missed ya my little tartlett!

Laurel's Quill said...

Mrs. Tuna, I LOVE YOU!..not in a wierd way...in a bloggy way. I've decided that we're simpatico and would be friends...if you were a size 4. Only kidding! Have a great weekend!! Laurel (Size 12 if I buy it at Target, size 6 at Nordy's)

Amy McMunn Schindler said...

OMGosh! You MUST be almost famous! Look at all the comments you have already!

If you stalk someone famous, well, then can I stalk YOU? Then I can be almost, almost famous? Right??

EXCITED!!!

Word Nerd said...

Bring her a pan of that mac 'n cheese.

Kathy said...

Looks like you are on your way to being famous, and I will add to your illustrious following.

Kathy
http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com/

Amanda said...

I just had to leave a comment telling you that how much I like the term "Team Tuna".

Sigh, when shall I be as famous as you?

Arndell said...

Really very funny! Love the creative idea.