Saturday, December 15, 2012

Death Becomes Her

So there Mrs. Tuna was, whipping along the freeway in the super-fast lane, when she heard the little “poink”.  A seemingly innocent little sound spelled the end of my fateful steed.  As power faded away, I used my Nascar instincts to bolt to slow lane, frantically dialing the Big Tuna of my demise. Literally, choked, curled into the fetal position, and died in less than a mile at the bottom of the off ramp in under 2 minutes.   

My truck, with 166, 567 miles, had given up the ghost.  Apparently, when your oil pump craps out at 75 MPH it causes your engine to seize in an irreparable way within seconds. With all the expenses of the ASU, Sheldon’s wedding and the Big Tuna’s new business launch we were hoping old Bossy would limp along until spring.  It was a spite death; we’d put brand new tires, rotors, brake pads, and spark plugs in only the week before.  She could sense her days were numbered until she went to the big trade in lot in the sky.  I would have been even more pissed if I’d actually run it through the stupid car wash over the weekend.

My man drove the 20 miles, tow rope and in hand and pulled me to the nearest parking lot.  We jumped in his man mobile and dropped my pretty little ass off at Endless Engineering. She looked so sad and abandoned as we drove away.  I was only 45 minutes late and still beat Boss 1 and Boss 2 into the hood by 7:20 AM.  Its days like this that make you want to inhale an entire desert, so let’s shall we?

Texas Sheet Cake
2 cup sugar
2 cup flour
½ teaspoon salt
1 cup water
2 tablespoon butter
½ cup sour cream
2 eggs
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon vanilla
4 tablespoon coco

Place sugar, flour, salt in mixing bowl. Boil water, butter, coco. Pour boiling mixture over dry ingredients. Mix well. Add sour cream, eggs, soda and vanilla. Bake in greased jelly roll pan for 20 to 25 minutes in 375 degrees.

Cake Frosting
6 tablespoons canned milk
4 tablespoons coco
2 tablespoons butter
1 pound powdered sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup chopped nuts

Mix milk, coco and butter and cook until fluffy. Pour into mixing bowl and beast in sugar, then adding vanilla and nuts. Frost immediately.  Even more than my mammogram, which is infinitely more painful when you belong to the itty titty club. I will pause to give you a moment to reflect on the enjoyment of squashed boobs over the horror being held hostage by the lounge lizards of car sales.  The first dealership introduced me to Hayseed Hank. He spent the entire time talking to me with a toothpick in his mouth. When the Big Tuna arrived on scene, he completely ignored anything I had to say and began “man to man” bromance bullshit.

If one more of them had said, “my, what a firm handshake you have little lady” I would have beat them with my stiletto.  While Sheldon and I test drove options,  she got on her smarty pants phone, price compared and found the identical model for $750 less.   Bam, done.

In the twilight hours of the delivery, Wyatt, the 12 year technology geek from Ford patiently showed me all the hands free gadgets.  He called me madam. Punk, just show me how to turn on the headlights so I don’t have to punch you. I am almost able to rationalize the cost since I cut my gas bill in half in my new little tiny Ford Focus. All I can think now when I hear the tick tock tick tock of the blinker is car loan car loan car loan.  Ah well, just remember in the future, the lady in the grey economy car with her blinker on trying to get in your lane may be me, just give me a break. It’s been a rough week. Good week Team Tuna. 


Kim said...

Instead of thinking car loan, think safe and reliable. Please don't beat me with your stiletto, but car shopping is my favorite thing! All the shiney new cars, blinking buttons, voice it. The trick is don't take hubby with you. Play it single and they fall all over you ;)

Elpoo said...

I am almost 50 and I am still lugging home groceries in an old back pack. I envy you.

I also still am using your term "eleventy billion". I use it about 3 times a week. I've pretty much stolen it.

I'm sorry. I am a criminal

Anonymous said...

Well doesn't that suck all. Although in theory, I suppose the money you're saving in gas can pay off the loan in half the time?

I wouldn't have hesitated using the stiletto the FIRST time a good ol' boy called me little lady.

Mamma has spoken said...

I'm sitting here laughing at the fact that you just wanted to know how to turn on the lights. I have auto start on my car, and after owning the car for four years, I wish I had listen to the guy on how to use it. It sure would come in handy on those cold ass morning when the windows are caked with frost.

Red Nomad OZ said...

Given the choice of mammogram or car salesman sleazebucket, I'll take the 3rd option and eat myself a whole sheet cake!!!!

Josie, said...

I'm with Kim; I love to car shop. Then again... My man works at a car dealership, so I usually get what I want. Wink. Love the blog!

Hilary said...

itty bitty titty club.. LOVE THAT!

and I agree, nothing is worse than buying a new car.. give me root canal anytime....

Stephanie said...

Oh sweetie it has been a rough week! Nothing beats the my car broke down to spite me blues like a big ol sheet cake:) Hope it lifted your spirits and as always thanks for the giggle:)

*And for joining my little linky too! You made my night!

dbs said...

I feel your pain. (And I love the way you describe it.)

Chris Dean said...

You poor woman! I applaud your ability to NOT beat someone with a stilleto! Or demonstrating your firm handskae around his neck. *grin*

Lisa said...

I feel your pain but you made me smile Mrs Tuna. Thank you. It has happened to me, the exact same thing and I had the engines rebuilt. The car is now 16 years old.

Kimberly said...

I also belong to said boob club. HEck they are so small that I'm not wearing a bra and I'm pretty sure that you coudn't tell. Unless I had a nipple erection. This just got awkward.
I'm sorry about your car. I had a neon (don't laugh) and the gasket blew on a busy freeway. I was sad to see her go. Buying a new car was a whole other story *shudder

Doreen said...

Oh my goodness why do they always die at the worst time ???
I had to laugh though because I am married to a car salesman. I HATE car shopping too so I married the right guy. I called him a few months ago and told him my car died and he just brought home a shiny new one for me.
I am always telling him he should create the one hour car sale. In and out in one hour. I think it would be a huge hit.
I hope you are bonding with your Focus, I think they are adorable and the gas mileage...oh my!

Bella Michelle said...

UGH! My car has 175k on it and I am praying it holds on because this is not the time for new wheels!

Anonymous said...

I'm with you on that - HATE to buy cars (read: have a car payment). But now I fear I'm jinxed - my 2000 Chevy has over 165k miles on it, so i'm going to start practicing my NASCAR driving skills, just in case (and having the ingredients for a big 'ol sheet cake for just such emergencies).

The Empress said...

Is that why MMG's hurt so much??? So that when I broadcast all over the place that OH MY GOD BUT MMG's hurt and no one else agrees, I'm outing myself as an itty bitty?

Had no idea.

Nicki said...

My darling little car, Sharona (because she's myyyyyy Sharona), only has a short time left. She wheezes. She shudders. And I know before long I, too, will be hearing my car blinker whisper "car loan...CAR LOAN."