Monday, December 24, 2012

Naughty or Nice?


I have been distracted from posting about the triumphant Tuna graduation by last minute Christmas shopping.  Fighting my way through mall crowds and supermarkets doesn’t make me super sparkly. As you may recall, the tradition of the Stocking Box involves an overflowing of holiday cheer filled with doodads from socks to booze.  Mrs. Tuna has consistently bought a little slinky something, something for the Big Tuna’s box since he is always on Santa’s good list.  Normally I would order something online, but with gifts arriving daily for Sheldon and the Brit’s wedding I was afraid it might be opened by young love by mistake. Awkward.



I opted to make a stealth trip to the local smut store. It has a reputation for not making you feel like you need to wrap yourself in saran wrap to avoid creepy cooties.  At the driveway entrance stood a sad, middle aged, Santa hatted,  female employee holding a “Got Naughty” sign, adorned with garland.  My shiny new sensible car did not look out of place with the mini vans and four door sedans with baby seats.  The ding dong announced my entrance and eager young assistants bustled over with cheery offers of help.  I mumbled a bumbling “no thanks”, avoided eye contact, sidled over to the sale rack.

The most awkward part was how the people milling around were in my middle aged demographic. They were all entirely too comfortable in these surrounding, some were pushing around overflowing SHOPPING CARTS. A burly man holding a set of garters up against his waist, the man in the suit and tie reading the back of the DVD’s for I’m sure the story line.   The Deck the Halls Christmas music seemed completely inappropriate against the dialog of the instructional vibrator videos.  I have the perfect recipe now that we all feel a little dirty.

Dirt Cake
8 ounces cream cheese
1 cup powder sugar
1 large instant pudding
1 ½ cup milk
12 ounces cool whip
1 pound Oreo cookies

Grind Oreos is food processor and set aside. Mix cream cheese and powdered sugar until  smooth.  In separate bowl, add pudding with milk. Mix well. Combine cream cheese mixture with pudding. Fold in Cool Whip.  In flowerpot, layer Oreos then pudding mix. Top with Oreos, add silk or edible flowers (don’t trust me, I’m not sure qualifies as edible). Serve with trowel.

As I stood with my purchase clutched in my hands, I already felt reluctant to use my debit card since it would leave a paper trail. The clerk asked if I wanted to join their frequent shoppers club, it was FREE! Stopitstopitstopit.   Fortunately, they packed me up in a black bag to hide my booty and I skulked out the door, slithered into my car and drove away.  So here’s a little gift to you my band of followers.   A Merry Christmas Team Tuna, happiness and love to all. 


27 comments:

Mamma has spoken said...

Yea, every year I promise to do something like this but haven't yet. Mainly because there are too many people I know who shop at the local Hustler shop ;o)

Laoch of Chicago said...

I hope that you and your family will have a fine year.

Angie said...

Oh for the love of Santa I'm dying here! haha Loved it!

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

Well, it was obviously a merry, merry Christmas over at your place then! :)

Leanne said...

This is my first time here and I've obviously stopped by on the wrong day for my innocent reading uh, eyes. But you DID make me laugh. Thanks for the video. :)

Janie Junebug said...

I knew you wouldn't publish my comment. I am so hurt and offended I think I'll pour myself a nice shot of tequila. Hmmmm. Maybe my comments don't get published because I can't read the word verification. I really wish you'd get rid of that crap.

Love,
Janie

Stephanie said...

Ha! That's funny! I was in a similar store for a vibrator (shower gift of course) and was embarrassed beyond belief when the clerk installed batteries and made sure it worked - right in front of everyone (okay, all the pervs) in the store.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I never realised that sex shops sell ingredients for cakes. I must visit one the next time I'm in human civilisation. That video you linked was not at all sexy! I could hear a man belching all the way through it.

Gorilla Bananas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hilary said...

you kill me!
Paper trail... Love it!
Happy new year!

Cody Underwood said...

great story. and thanks for rick rolling me.

The Defiant Marshmallow said...

Think I'll just applaud wildly for you.

Empty Nester said...

We have a shop like that in the area too. I have yet to go in. Not sure they have anything an hippo would look sexy in. LOL Dirt cake- LOL

Melissa Rheinlander said...

The dirt cake sounds yummy!!

danneromero said...

Sounds like a movie.... Hope it was worth the effort....

Frugal in WV said...

Hope you had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year :)

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

I love you had the nerve to go in the smut store! I just send my husband...not necessarily a good plan : )

Word Nerd said...

Mr. Tuna's wish comes true.

Stephanie said...

LOL Dirt Cake is the perfect choice.
PS you are a much better wife then I am.

Cat Chat With Caren And Cody said...

I just had a friend leave a comment on an OLD blog post and saw you had commented as well ( a LONG time ago!) I wanted to pop in and see if you have "follow by email" and sure enough, YOU DO!! I'm baaaaaaaaaaack!!!
HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
CONGRATS ON FINISHING SCHOOL!

Caffeinated OC Mommy said...

NAUGTY!!! I'm soooo naughty! Ha! Happy New Year my FABulous Friend and dirt cake? It actually sounds like something I would smear my lipstick for! xoxo

Joyce Lansky said...

No need to hide the paper trail, you blogged about it. Tee hee. I'm with, Janie. Please dump the #$%^ captcha. I hate those things and found I get a lot more comments once I removed mine.

Hrishikesh Bawa said...

It does seem that you had a merry christmas. Hope this year is good to you and the family. We don't have any smut stores here. Of course we get DVDs though, but those are hush-hush under the table from the local Video library.

Vapid Vixen said...

Oh my god! My eyes! How could you do that to us???

Also, I'm dying to know what you purchased!!!

Is that weird?

Nicki said...

the smut shops in rural pennsylvania were the sketchiest. you felt dirty just for going in them. in boston, they're not shops, they're boutiques. I probably can't afford them.

MOV said...

WOw, Tuna, you are a great writer. Every time you post (uh, not nearly frequently enough), I have to go back and re-read every word 2 or 3 times to make sure I did not miss anything, and also to savor your writing SKILL. Yeah, SKILL. You are a rock star, and you make it all seem so effortless. Please tell me it takes hours to write your posts and that you did not just type it out in 5 minutes so that I will feel better about my own writing. Throw the girl a bone, will ya?

xxo
MOV

denisemalloy.com said...

A BIG BOX smut store????? Bahahahaha! I'd have to travel to another city and bring cash, I'm with you, no paper trails!