Tuna in the House?

Hmmm....Mrs. Tuna had two new Facebook looks this week, is this a sign she should write something new?

Mommy Dearest

Better Engineering is well, better, way better.  I can’t believe I’ve been there for almost nine months, almost enough time to birth a baby. No more Endless Engineering, no longer being made to feel dumber than a rock, and best of all no fantastically fake Beer Girl. My new manager, Super Boss, tells me that I’m freaking amazing and allows me to run with scissors through the halls.   They even hired me a couple of 12-year old engineers to do a lot of the heavy lifting who are practically peeing their pants in their giddy excitement of being on a grownup team. 

But recently I have noticed a shift in how the professional world perceives me now.   I had a field meeting for a roadway design project that is located on tribal land with official state transportation oversight.  A major requirement for the visit where you play in traffic is to wear an attractive safety vest and hardhat. Stunning visual, me and helmet hair.   One of our sub consultants, Little Kenny, was far from that. Not only did he have to borrow a vest, we practically had to zip two of them together to straddle his massive girth.  The tribe gracious invited us to lunch at their casino where Little Kenny visited the buffet, three times to the point where the waitress offered him a bib.  Burp, I was afraid he was going to swallow me whole like a boa constrictor.

As we were saying our solemn goodbyes with steady handclasps, Kenny leapt upon me with a sweaty embrace declaring he just “gotta hug all the ladies”.  Awwwkkkkk, stop it, I am 15 years older than your target demographic.  I know I’m the only female here but hug Joe, my co-worker, if you need to feel the love.

The following week, on the way to another meeting, I recount the tale to Super Boss explaining that I work hard at radiating my super personal space bubble and my firm man handshake.    Then as I provide the introduction to an old client, I stick out my hand, only to get, “we’ve known each other a long time” hug. What the hell is going on? Am I in an alternate universe? I usual nip this shit in the bud. I once told a guy to stop calling me girl since hadn’t been a girl since I got my period at twelve in front of six coworkers.

Been feeling the need for less bread and more veggies in my diet so here is a little salad gig recipe my Sistah gave me.

Cashew Broccoli Salad

2 bunches raw broccoli cut into bite size pieces

1 pound cooked and crumbled bacon

¼ cup raisins

½ cup cashews

1 cup mayo

½ sugar

½ teaspoon white vinegar

Mix broccoli, bacon, raisins and cashews in a bowl. In separate bowl whisk together mayo, sugar and vinegar and pour over other. Chill several hours before serving.

At my husband’s holiday soiree I had an epiphany about all this free love as a young sale rep moved in for a little squeeze.  My thirties and forties flashed before my eyes. I have transitioned from being the Hot Chick to the comfortable Mom Hug. Ughh. Come here you widdle baby, didum have a no good horrible day?  There, there, come a little closer, so I can whip you with some wire hangers like Joan Crawford.    I am now going to go gargle with a little Botox and rest my weary head.  I’d sign this with XOXOXO but I don’t want to give any of you any ideas.  Good week Team Tuna.

Party Pooper

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to, cry if I want to. Shit, now that little ditty is stuck in my head, yours too now I suppose. You’re welcome.  

Sheldon is turning, gasp, 25 years old! This is simply not possible, I cannot be the mother of a grown ass woman.  Like really grown up, not the young adult that tries to insist you can’t tell them what to do because they are over 18. As you make their cell phone, tuition, and car insurance payment.  

In my head I am still that thin, happening, young mom of thirty five. So essentially, I had Sheldon when I was 10, no problem, I can accept that.  Until I walk by a mirror and see the wrinkled neck line and cellulite that has now turned doughy.  Maybe I’ll just dim the lights and take off my glasses so I look a bit softer and more fuzzy. 

Sheldon and the Brit are still living away from the mother ship of Arizona in far, far away Pennsylvania/Maryland but I’m jetting in for her big day.  I’ll get to see their new adventures on the east coast including spending the day at her new job as a shiny new middle school math teacher. I am Show & Tell.  Since everyone should have their favorite meal on their birthday below is hers.

Beef Stroganoff     

1 pound beef cubed

½ cup flour

Salt and pepper to taste

3 tablespoons olive oil

2 cans beef consume

½ cup sour cream

Combine flour, salt and pepper in a bowl. Dredge meat in flour mixture. Heat oil in a large skillet and brown meat on all sides. Remove with slotted spoon and place in a saucepan. Add consume and cook on medium heat for 20 minutes covered. Add sour cream and cook until heated throughout. Do not boil. Serve over hot egg noodles.

As a big surprise, I’ve created a Prezi presentation that shows our little flower 25-year evolution. Shhhh….I’m not telling her until her actually birthday. It’s like fancy Microsoft PowerPoint, a little exposure tip from Beer Girl. 

https://prezi.com/n_vft481qxy2/kimberlys-birthday-no-music/

https://prezi.com/gpazf2jd_g4n/kimberlys-birthday-musical/

Above are two links, one with and one without music played by our baby girl while she was in Russia. I did two because the musical one might make your computer choke and die since it’s so big. In the lower right corner of the presentation, there is  button that allows you to run it on a loop, pick 4 second interval. Do It. Now. Please, no snarky remarks about Mrs. Tuna’s polygamist hair or said scrunchies.   Heart you Team Tuna!

The Simple Days

Ah, the simple days....

Fantastic!

It suffices to say that Endless Engineering was sucking the life out of me.  For the first time in my career, I felt like I could not engineer my way out of a paper bag.  What was there to blog about, Beer Girl using boobs and hair setting women’s rights back about 50 years?  And when she giggled and used her pageant pose when shit didn’t get done they giggled too and thought she was adorable?  It was more like Toddlers and Tampons then Tiaras. I.Was.Over.It.  

I began to realize that the favorite marketing word was “Fantastic”. The blond bimbo sat right outside my office, every other sentence included this gem. “You got the message I left you, fantastic!” “I have a fantastic marketing idea that includes Vegas showgirls on the sponsored golf hole!” “You had the admin person pick up my dry-cleaning? Fantastic!”  I made it a little mental drinking game. Every time she uttered her favorite word I took a mental tequila shot. The only problem was that I was punch drunk by 9 AM.  

But……I have escaped and we will never speak of it again. Except in snarky and amusing ways. Boss 1 couldn’t be bothered to set up time for an exit interview. He wants to know if we can have lunch in a few weeks and do it then. Ummm…..Pass.

My new project manager job starts tomorrow. Company name to be decided upon suitable reflection time and personalities are developed. Since I don’t want to be sued for slander by Endless Engineering, I will move on….for now.

Instead I will share the joys of home improvements in the form of bathroom remodeling.   The Big Tuna and I only have about a 90 minute shopping tolerance.  Making it very difficult to compare color swatches and textures when so overwhelmed but the choices. But the Man has a fatal shopping flaw. HE CAN’T STAY WITH THE CART!!!!  A prime example was once when I had my gallbladder out, I invited him to come help me with the heavy lifting.  He would drift off to miscellaneous aisles to return with armloads of snacks and treats. I could hardly push those $268 in groceries to the checkout stand.

In the tile store I was trying to work with their in store consultant only to spot the Big Tuna wandering in the wood floor aisle.  “This is why after 30 years, I shop alone, come here, come here, come here”, I shriek across the warehouse of wholesale tile using the front office megaphone.  Price check on marital sanity.  This week I tried a new casserole. Yum.

Sausage-Green Bean Casserole

2 Tablespoons olive oil

12 ounces frozen green beans defrosted in microwave

1 small onion chopped

1 pound ground Italian sausage

½ cup roasted red peppers chopped

2 cloves garlic minced

1-16 ounce tube cooked polenta (found at Trader Joe’s) cut in ¼ inch rounds

½ cup chicken broth

½ cup shredded parmesan cheese

Heat olive oil and brown onion and garlic until translucent. Add ground sausage and brown. Stir in red peppers and green beans and cook 2 minutes. Layer polenta, sausage mixture, polenta, sausage mixture. Top with chicken broth and parm cheese. Bake at 425 degrees for 20 minutes.

But I figured out what many women before have used to tether their escaped convicts/husbands.  Hey baby, will you hold my purse, I’ll only be a minute.  Have Fantastic Week! Now drink up. 

My Big Fat Secret Blog

Soooooo........someone had potentially ratted me out to Endless Engineering about not being as kind as I could on evil Facebook. It scared the bejesus out of me so I made all my rantings secret and private here and there.

But yesterday I gave my notice to Boss 1 and Boss 2 that next Friday will be my last day. I feel like I need to keep it on the down low until after next week. At that time, I will regale you tales of hilarity, including how the Big Tuna can't STAY WITH THE CART, even after 30 years.  Stay tuned, same time, same place, same Tuna Channel.

Snow-mageddon

In looking back, I can’t believe it’s been 3 months since I last posted.  What a lazy bitch I am. Perhaps this is a guilt post since Meg from Member’s Lounge dropped me a plea.  Well while the rest of you are enjoying day 57 off from work due to inclement snow, some of us are curled up on the couch with the flu.  Oh you might say I deserve it living in 75 degree weather every day, but I am currently stuck watching Teen Mom 2 since it seems like too much effort to get the remote.  Okay, maybe I like it.  A little bit.  

But I can tell you whose fault it is for the Polar Vortex, Sheldon and the Brit. Oh they were so hoity toitey about their perfect weather in southern California.  Because………the day after Thanksgiving they moved to FREAKING PENNSYLVANIA for some amazing job offer.  They poo poo’d the change in climate saying the most snow they ever got in York was a mere 20-inches a year. Except they got all of that in the first 20 minutes they were there.  By angering the weather channel gods, they have brought the wrath of an Armageddon winter to the I-95 corridor. 

Christmas via Skype 

But it is sooooooooooooooooooooooooo far. Waaahhhh,  our first Christmas apart.  My baby girl’s distant from the bosom of Tunaville.  But at least she is near to our extended family, frankly closer than she was to us living in the land of milk and honey. Sniff, sniff, I’m sure she’s fine, learning to drive on black ice, and chip ice off of her windshield with the edge of her credit card. In her first snow call home she shrilly announced that snow wasn’t soft and delicate, it positively melted when it landed on her. The major reason I fled New Jersey 30 years ago was because I knew I’d melt like the Wicked Witch of the West.

This week is a deep fried something, something to take away my pain.

Crunchy Honey Garlic Pork Chops

1 pound pork chops

2 eggs

4 tablespoons water

2 cups flour

1 teaspoon each salt, pepper, garlic powder

Oil for frying

Glaze:

2 tablespoons butter

1 ½ cups honey

1 tablespoon minced garlic

½ cup brown sugar

½ teaspoon grated fresh ginger

½ cup soy sauce

Whisk eggs and water together in shallow dish, mix flour, salt, pepper, garlic powder in separate bowl.  Dip chops in flour first, then egg mixture and again in flour mixture.  Heat oil on medium high heat and cook chops for 6 minutes each side. Don’t turn or it will lose its coating.  Next melt butter in small sauce pan and add minced garlic for a minute or so. Add honey, soy sauce, brown sugar and fresh ginger.  Heat glaze ingredients for about 5 minutes.  Pour half of glaze into a 9” x 13” glass baking dish. Place pork chops on top and coat with remaining glaze. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes. Frankly, I couldn’t get over how moist the chops were, I was convinced they’d get all dried out and nasty from frying. 

The newlyweds were all hot to purchase a house before they even arrived on the scene.  Not the most practical approach to Sheldon’s overly practical parents.  Why not wait until you are actually on the scene since you have no idea where anything is relative to anything else. They were falling in love with pictures of adorable cottages, ignoring homes in the floodplain or missing roof tiles.  Fortunately, they finally opted to rent for a year and didn’t end up in a bad neighborhood of Amish Crypts and Bloods.  Ouch, I just felt a snot bubble pop in my brain, must rest my weary head. Good week Team Tuna.