Saturday, June 18, 2011

And Now a Public Service Message

Statistics are creeping along in the usual ugly manner. I’m almost to the halfway mark for this stupid, stupid mandatory class. We all know the only thing this class will help me with is calculating horse betting at the track. I have however, discovered a secret weapon, the lovely online video professor, young and blonde, with a soothing and encouraging manner. Much like a 1-900 operator. “Math is fun! We can do it together!” If I survive the class, I will be sending her flowers or sex toys, whichever will score me the highest grade. I’ll keep you posted. Her assistance has allowed me a few extra hours to peruse your blogs and craft a new shiny post this week.

One of the random things I have to do at Giant Engineering Company is to go for little meet and greets with the public to explain how civic improvements will improve their little slice of heaven. I was roped into attending on Wednesday night to give local residents an overview of a new sidewalk along a major roadway due to my mad people skills, got those little clients fooled now don’t I. I mean, of course, I can be professional at every turn with my control top pantyhose. The meeting followed the typical format where a few souls with a little too much time on their hands wander by for free cookies.


But one elderly gentlemen was bound and determined to convince us for almost an hour that providing safe pedestrian access along a busy street was a waste of his hard earned tax dollars and by golly he’d never even seen even so much as a streetwalker out there. We should have instituted a safe word like “Poughkeepsie” to make me stop arguing about improving life for the greater community. He did halt at calling me honey, but that was likely the murderous look in my eye that held him at bay. Instead I offered him a chair and a comment card which he filled up on both sides and asked for a second.

Killing time, I resorted to telling my cohorts stories about growing up in my house with my daddy Buzz. You remember Buzz, the man who painted one side of the house every summer and was happy on the year had the short side. We had one of those giant tan station wagons where the last row rode backwards. Those 3 kids always had a completely different vacation then the rest of us. I got smart and barfed first time out and always got to ride up front next to a window. I always knew I was destined as management material.

Once Buzz thought it would be great to get in touch with wild animals and took us to a faux safari park to see lions, tigers and giraffes from the easy convenience of your car. We were no dummies, we knew it meant he only had to pay for the admission for the car not individual hooligans. But………small problem with Old Tan, no air conditioning and it was August. And you couldn’t roll down the window for fear of getting eaten by said nature. For the love of God, we shrieked at the cars in front of us, stop taking f*cking polaroid pictures of the emus and drive. When we got through the exit gate, Buzz compensated by stopping at a gas station, hosing us off with a garden hose and buying us grape soda to defeat heat stroke. The old coot was completely entertained by my mad description of growing up with a mass of kids, took two cookies and toddled away.

The Big Tuna made dinner last weekend during a major math meltdown. Thank you baby!

Prague Goulash
1 onion chopped
2 cloves garlic minced
¼ butter
1 pound beef stew meat
1 pound pork chops cubed
1 teaspoons salt
1 small can tomato paste
1 bay leaf
1 tablespoon paprika
1 red and 1 yellow pepper, sliced
½ white wine
½ cup sour cream

Sauté onion and garlic in butter in a large saucepan. Add beef and cook over medium heat until meat loses its pinkness. Add salt, tomato paste, bay leaf, peppers, paprika, cover and simmer for 30 minutes. Add pork and cook for one hour. Add wine, cover and simmer for 30 minutes. You can add a bit of water throughout to keep from sticking. Stir in sour cream and heat throughout. Serve over egg noodles.

After eating my own fair share of chocolate cookies, I’d held off so I wouldn’t have the hill billy black tooth look, we started to pack it up for the night. But who should return to get the last word in, only my own personal elderly stalker. He’d discovered that people could use walkways just one road to the south, would I come for a drive with him so he could show me? Listen gramps, Buzz always warned me not to ride in cars with strange men. Sadly, I thought I said this only in my head, but apparently not. I wonder if this will show up on my next performance evaluation. I blame it on trying to determine if a set of numbers will follow the standard deviation or binomial probability rule, stupid statistics.

38 comments:

Laoch of Chicago said...

This is truly sick and shows that I am a twisted person, but long ago when I was I college I loved my statistics class.

lvankuiken said...

Oh my goodness - this post was laugh out loud funny! I actually snorted coffee up my nose while reading it!

I loved the story about your dad and "Old Tan" and the safari park, and the old geezer wanting to take you for a ride...and the ghoulash sounds delicious!

Suz said...

"Those 3 kids always had a completely different vacation then the rest of us."

Bwahahahahaha! Nailed it!!! *snort* Thanks, I REALLY needed that!

EmptyNester said...

Oh Lord! You are such a hoot!

The Frat Pack + Me said...

I think the hillbilly black tooth would be a great look!

dbs said...

Ah yes...I too remember those B.O. filled days before air conditioning.

Mamma has spoken said...

This brought back so many memories of family trips in a station wagon all eight of us, fighting for the better seat.

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

This was hysterical! My neighbors had the cool station wagon with the backward seat. I was always dieing to ride in that thing.

Teacher Mum said...

Great post! Glad to have discovered you - am now a keen follower.
I detested stats...

Annie (Lady M) x said...

That is the best example of 'tactical puking' that I have ever heard of. Good on you girl!

Good luck with the statistics and thanks for the recipe!

Jean | Delightful Repast said...

About barfing and then being able to sit up front: Well, I was the family barfer and the baby to boot, so I automatically got to sit up front between the two chain-smoking parents. Not so sure the front was the best place to be!

PS I would never survive Statistics! Not even with Mr. Tuna making me nice dinners. You go girl!

Sandra said...

You know what works wonders during a major stats meltdown? Caramel straight from the jar. I have a fond memory of crying an entire afternoon away, stats textbook on one knee and jar of caramel on the other. You can do this stats shit. I have to tell you, I feel like I'm relieving it with each post that I read. I had a guy tutor me: Grant's Tutoring. When I got my B+, I emailed him and said, "If you see fireworks from my house tonight, it's all because of you!" He emailed back, "You should have a bonfire instead. Those stats textbooks are so dry, they'll burst into flames!"...is it odd, that I'm nostalgic for that shit? Probably because when I was doing stats, I wasn't killing my fake patient with my unsterile technique. Let's quit school and start our own writing website. I don't know what we'd write about, but surely if we can get through stats, we can do anything! By the way, I should comment on your post: I quite like Buzz. He makes me remember the days when I ran around the neibourhood barefoot asking my neighbours if they had any purple popsicles...don't judge my mother: she was watching General Hospital. It was the days of Luke and Laura. Hang in there chickie! Half way mark!

The Onion said...

I am still scarred by my Statistics class. Any class in which you can use your book, notes and work in a group and it STILL takes hours is just wrong.

www.alotoflayers.blogspot.com

LisaWeidknecht said...

I'm the co-host of the "I love my online friends" hop and I dropped by to say hello! I follow you and I hope you can stop by Weidknecht.blogspot.com. I'm having a massive giveaway party right now because I just reached 1000 GFC followers! ~Lisa

CkretsGalore said...

I got nauseous just at the thought of riding in the back of a station wagon!

Well that's a good Mr. Tuna for making his lady dinner during a stressful time.

Carri said...

hahahaha My dad had a car like that, except it had black vinyl interior. When we'd ask him to turn on the a/c, he'd roll down the window.

Red Nomad OZ said...

Hahaha!! Looks like I better get another Aussie Scenic Public toilet post out there IMMEDIATELY!!!

Ms Bibi said...

Yes, barfing to ensure a prime spot in a family car is a management material....for sure. Even back then you were made for greatness.

Linda Medrano said...

I loved my statistics class until I got lost. This was the only class I ever had to get a tutor for. I didn't feel that bad when my husband needed a tutor for his too.

This post had me laughing out loud. Buzz sounds like a lot of parents back in the day!

Chef in Training said...

what a great post! so funny! I am visiting from the hop! I am your newest follower and would love it if you would follow me back! thanks so much!
-Nikki
http://chef-n-training.blogspot.com/

Ca88andra said...

I so admire you doing statistics! Anything to do with maths and I run away as fast as I can. Good luck!

Ms.Wasteland said...

I had no idea what I was doing way back when I had statistics. My partner and I made up our big end of the semester project. Not kidding. Our professor was so confused by it...I think he secretly suspected we were geniuses that knew more than him.

{In reality he probably passed us for fear of having us in class another semester.}

Kernut the Blond said...

Statistics didn't get to me as much as geometry. And the new math - what the heck is that for? I actually asked the teacher why I needed to know this since I wasn't going to program cell phones or send a rocket to the moon. It really has no practical application. Now I'm taking some basic math refresher courses. Remember formulas and fractions? I don't. A fifth grader could do this easier.

Loved the story about visiting the wild safari park. Brought back memories for me!

Good luck with the class!

Not Blessed Mama said...

oh jeeze, i'm so sorry. you know, we try and watch him, but grandpa always manages to find some way to sneak out.

EmmaK said...

Hilarious that you have your own elderly stalker who crawls after you on his zimmerframe. I am jealous since I like old men, cream teas and sweet sherry.

Newlymeds said...

Great Blog!

Mrs. Pancakes said...

thank you for the PSA....love these..very informative!

Clipped Wings said...

This has been such a fun read. Enjoyed it much.

Bouncin' Barb said...

Hello and thanks for listening to Sandra and coming to visit my blog. I beg to differ though that she is all mine. How about we share joint custody of her. 6 months for you and 6 months for me? I'm trying to be civil! Hahahah. I'm looking forward to getting to know you more. Thanks again.

kathy said...

Your blog is fabulous! Found you via Follow Friday 40 and over.

ImSoVintage said...

OMG I was in the car with you at the Safari Park. I knew after I suffered that attack of amnesia that I had been adopted at some point. 8-)

Love your blog. I found and am following you through the over 40 blog hop. I'd love for you to visit me.

http://www.imsovintage.blogspot.com/

Katherines Corner said...

giggle............Hoping your weekend is a sweet one. Thinking of you and sending ♥

Julie said...

Flowers just die.

Sex toys are the gift that keeps on giving.

Strong work by you because a life of math must be mildly miserable.

You're just brightening her day.

Scoop said...

Once again, I was thoroughly impressed with your post and really do look forward to reading your next offering. If there was a "Really, truly follow" option, I'd be there too... love your style...

...on another note Julie^ took the words out of my mouth... my wife would agree... flowers die. LMAO... great post; thank you!

Katertot said...

Boy, you just slammed me right back into my childhood with the talk of that station wagon. Ours was green, with wood paneling. Hotter than hell, 7 kids crammed into it.

Ahh....the good old days!

Mrs4444 said...

You're a treat you know...Hard working, funny, polite (in a hard working, funny way.haha)

Xmas Dolly said...

Okay, first of all good luck on your test. Second of all thanks for stopping by today, and if you were here two weeks ago you would've seen your jello cake posted on my blog. I know that one too. My SIL gave me the recipe and the kids love it except I put cool whip on top of mine and spread it around like frosting. Love Love your recipe for goulash I have to try it. mmmm

Saving By The Sea said...

Following from Over 40 GFC hop! Hope you'll follow us back :) www.savingbythesea.com