Thursday, August 11, 2011

Broken

Most of my life I have considered myself to view the world as half full. When things are at their worst I am usually able to bring myself back to center with humor. But I am not feeling funny, only broken and sad.


Lately I feel completely worn out. The last two years have been some of the most emotional and difficult times I’ve ever felt. I am treading water, unable to make decisions, unable to move forward or back.

I never realized how much my job defines how I view myself and my worth. I have never been one to dread Monday morning, I am eager to mentor and encourage staff. Will I keep it through the next round of layoffs at the end of the month? I can only hope.

One of the things that normally help me find mental balance is the time spent on my horse. He suffered a hoof infection resulting in the last year stall bound. I’ve spent thousands of dollars I don’t really have hoping for a fix. It does not look like he will recover and will have to be put down, why does this make me weep, it’s just a stupid horse.

I’m missing my mom, her battle with cancer ending after a year long tough struggle on Thanksgiving 2009, she was my best friend. Always knowing the words to encourage me, make me shine, be the best. A trait apparently I can’t bring to my daughter, I fail her need for emotional support, something her Grandmother could give her in ways I cannot. She was a professional writer in her later life, she would have love blogging, I wish I discovered it sooner for her.

I am returning to California this weekend, to the place I scattered my mom’s ashes last summer. Perhaps that explains why my heart is feeling fragile. My life is not as hard as so many others, I feel guilty for complaining what seems insignificant by comparison.

My love stands at my side, steadfast, enduring in his place beside me. Only wanting me to be myself again. Waiting with open arms. I will recover, I will go on, I will be back.

Dawn

35 comments:

Cat Chat With Caren And Cody said...

hate to see you hurting like this, you are always so strong and you will be again.
I am sorry for all you are going through. No...it's not just a "stupid horse"
((((hugs))))
Wish I could make you feel better

The Zadge said...

I am not a doctor, but I am a woman and I'm not trying to be trite, but could this just be a case of OMG THE HORMONE SHIT WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH BETWEEN the ages of 47 and 55 YOU FUCKING MEN HAVE NO IDEA?

Which is what I chalk all my weepy, sad moments up to. Of course, losing your mom, and having to deal with a sick child, I mean, animal, and all the rest of life's crap is enough to make a girl sob even without the hormonal rage.

Anonymous said...

I know you will find your way Dawn. Its only because you love so much that you're hurting like this. I hope you find some comfort in knowing your heart is so big. I hope you can let some of your burden go in California (((Dawn)))

Twisted Susan said...

Sometimes the only way to feel better is to feel bad.
Go ahead and feel bad.

Kimberly said...

Wow. What a rough post. I'm sorry about everything that's got you down. All of it seems like pretty major stuff. I'll keep you in my thoughts; I hope you feel better soon!

Pig in the Kitchen said...

Really hope the weekend helps in some way. My mum died when I was a teenager and at whatever age it happens, I think it's one of the toughest blows. Sad news about your horse too; my dog brings me so much comfort (and I know that sounds ridiculous). Black moods always become brighter, black moods always become brighter... if we keep saying it, hopefully that makes it true?!

Suz said...

Yes, you will recover, and STOP FEELING GUILTY!!! Sometimes the shit gangs up on you; if it doesn't bother you, there's something wrong with you. Accept it so you can work through it. And there's no such thing as "just a horse."

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

Those are all valid reasons for feeling down. Sometimes things do just pile on us and become too heavy to shake easily. I think letting yourself feel it is a good step toward getting past it and I have no doubt you will when you are ready.

Leslie said...

You are absolutely justified to feel as you do. Losing people AND animals you love is so hard. But let me suggest that if this has gone on for a very long time, a little help might be in order. There have been phases in my life where it was just too much, where it felt as though I had my own personal little black cloud hovering over me. In my case it was called situational depression. I eventually saw a doctor and it helped . . . I got out of the funk. Now I know my feelings were normal but I just needed a little assistance to get my balance back. *hugs*

Nicole said...

My heart hurts just reading this. Feel loved and appreciated (you are, and by all accounts on this blog, it's well-deserved). And allow yourself to feel shitty without comparing your life to anyone else's. Hang in there!

Mamma has spoken said...

Totally get where you are coming from. I would say that it will get easier with time but it hasn't for me. My mom has been gone for 14 years and I still can't go and visit her grave without crying before/during/after.
Here's hoping that all becomes right in the world for you soon. And if it doesn't, that God gives you the strenght to endure it.

Kristina P. said...

I'm so sorry you've been struggling. There are times when I feel like I would love to just run away from my life! Hang in there.

The Frat Pack + Me said...

I am so sorry that you are having a rough go. You will be in my thoughts + prayers. I hope you are able to find some peace soon.

Mark said...

Lean on your Blogger friends. We are always here and will give you what we can.
m.

Mommie Dearest Strikes Again said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling down. I think we all have periods like that, when it feels as though the world is ganging up on us. I feel as though there are times I am able to just bounce back from life's setbacks and others when I just can't seem to do it. (There might be something to what Zadge said about the hormonal situation!)

You're in my thoughts and prayers...I hope things gets better soon!

twelvedaysold said...

I'm sorry Mrs. Tuna. Don't feel that you don't have the right to be bummed out. It sounds like you've had a lot going on.

Thins will get better!

Laoch of Chicago said...

I am sorry you are facing the loss of your horse. : (

dbs said...

Feel for you. Wish I could do more.

LOLA said...

Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie -- No need to feel guilty. You are entitled to your feelings, and it doesn't matter if your life is better than someone else's. Everything is relative, and if things are tough for you, you are allowed to feel fragile and sad. It sounds to me as if you've had a lot going on. Losing your mom is really hard, and it's not just a stupid horse. Your horse is someone you love, just the way I love my dogs. Please give yourself permission to feel the way you want to feel and don't let people tell you to just snap out of it. It will get better, but it takes time. You have a tough job, too, and you just finished that sucky statistics class. Life is hard sometimes, but it helps us appreciate the good times.

Infinities of love,
Lola

Caro said...

Sending you positive energies!

Marlee said...

Wow I don't know how I would make that any easier...but I'm glad you have someone standing beside you through all of it.

Ami said...

I never know the right thing to say. I think probably because that 'right' thing doesn't exist. I fall in love with every animal I own, and horses are lovely and emotional and warm and sweet... and of course you're sad.

And I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. How that must hurt.

You DO know that you're allowed to grieve as long as you want, in whatever way YOU need to and not have it be 'wrong', don't you? We all process those things differently.
((hugs))

Kernut the Blond said...

I'm so sorry you've hit a rough patch! My heart goes out to you. (((BIG HUGS)))

I'm in Nor Cal - come visit and get a real hug! Seriously, if you have time I would love to meet you while you're here. Send and email to the one I put in.

No it's not stupid to be sad about your horse, a loved companion. of course you'd be sad. You've cared for him, worried about him, and enjoyed riding him.

As for getting laid off, so far it's been the best thing to happen to me. I'll keep a good thought for you. xo

Anonymous said...

Dawn I am sorry you are hurting so much, I can definately relate. You are strong and will get back there to being your absurdly funny amazing self - I love your blog - it is awesome. Everyone gets down and has those periods of retrospective thinking about what was or wasn't or won't be. Hang in there and know that there are tons of blog readers who are pulling for you. I hope you find peace.

Mrs4444 said...

OH, Dawn. I'm so sorry about your horse, especially...I've never had one, but everyone I know who has a horse gains so much through that relationship. (Personally, they scare the crap out of me!) I'm also just sorry I'm not there to give you a hug. I hope that your trip is helpful and that when you get back, you and your daughter will be able to heal, too. Good luck, Hon.

Mrs4444 said...

Of course, I'm sorry about your mom, too. I just know that it was easier to hold it together, probably, when you had your horse to comfort you.

CanadianMama said...

I'm sorry! I wish I could take it all away for you!

Krafty Max Originals said...

Loss is always hard, but the loss of a mother is something that you will always feel, however, it does get better and the memories become more happy than sad!

Hop'in by from 'Boost My Blog Friday Blog Hop'. I'm following your blog now, wont you please come and follow me back?? ~KM

Krafty Max Originals

Lin said...

This sadness will pass, you'll see. I'm glad you have an awesome partner to stand with you while you're feeling this way. *hugs*

Little Miss Sunshine State said...

I have a very best friend. Her best friend is her horse. I would never dismiss the relationship. Many times she has felt like her horse has saved her life. {Hugs} while you consider a difficult decision.

Kathy (p/t writer, f/t mom) said...

1. no such thing as a stupid horse.
2. you advise, counsel your daughter, she just doesn't appreciate it yet.
3. fuck you cancer.
4. double fuck you hoof disease.

ps. hope this is a sad post you don't remember after your road trip!

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

I have to echo what the Zadge said; God do I ever feel slammed some days. Lost my Dad around the same time you lost your Mom; menopause, quit a crappy job, and did I say menopause again?

Hop into our boat, sista girlfriend! Any chance you can come to NYC for a blogfest next summer?

Jean | Delightful Repast said...

Those are all good reasons to feel down. And that doesn't mean you're no longer a glass half full kinda gal. We have to feel it all, the good and the bad. Your balance will be restored. All will be well. I'm so glad you've got Mr. Tuna by your side.

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

My heart goes out to you as I think about everything you've gone through. I'm so sorry about you mother. I'll be saying a special prayer for you today, as well as around the holidays.

The Accidental Somebody said...

I hope the trip to Cali was able to lift your spirits a little. Hang in there...