Friday, December 30, 2011

Resolutions of a 49 Year Old Muffin Top

Itty Bitty Consulting has made a little bit of progress and landed a couple of teeny tiny projects this week. Fingers crossed Team Tuna that we will have a banging successful year. That will provide me an opportunity to get out of the cul de sac and new fodder for future posts. Otherwise I will have to continue to post pictures of Penelope the faithful Labrador.


As we know, it’s always important to set goals for the upcoming year that are reasonable and attainable. I mean shit, you’d hate to get the end of December and realize that you didn’t clean the lint out of your belly button or go to Newark if it were on your to do list. I will be ringing in the new year at Bebe’s house, that way if I get too sloshed I can stumble the 5 blocks home. Maybe the Big Tuna will give me a piggy back ride. Here are my promises to keep.
  • I WILL NOT get a tramp stamp. Not only am I a bit of a chicken shit about pain, I’m afraid it will emphasize my back fat. The last thing any of us need is a tattoo on a roll like paper towels.
  • I WILL give up vodka forever. Nearly 30 years ago, minutes before I met the Big Tuna and true love, I worked as a bartender. The bonus to serving booze in a small town is all other bartenders at all other bars serve you for free. Bad, bad, bad New Year’s Eve and unrestricted Stolichnaya’s on the rocks. I seriously could not drink any liquor for about 2 years. Any whiff of vodka makes me gag to this day. Naturally I was able to ease myself back in with wine over ice instead.
  • I vow NOT to start any craft projects that I will not finish. This should be pretty easy. I am not allowed to play with art supplies according to my family. I think they are afraid I might become a huffer or crazy glue myself to something completely inappropriate.
  • I WILL continue to do wine reviews. Last week my favorite wine supplier sent me a new sample. Wheeeee!!! Free Wine!!! Ahem, I mean an opportunity to write a critical review of a fine chardonnay.

I am currently sporting a freaking inner tube around my middle so you will all have to suffer with me and low fat fare. Hopefully it won’t taste like cardboard.

Honey Ginger Sweet Potatoes
4 large sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into half inch pieces
3 tablespoons olive oil
1 teaspoon dark sesame oil
1 tablespoon honey
1 teaspoon minced ginger
1 teaspoon grated lime zest
2 tablespoons lime juice
½ teaspoon salt
1/3 cup thinly sliced green onions

Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Toss potatoes with 1 tablespoon olive oil and place in a single layer on a baking sheet. Bake until tender, stirring once approximately 30 minutes. Meanwhile whisk together remaining olive oil, sesame oil, honey, ginger, lime and salt in large bowl. Add hot cooked potatoes and toss gently to coat. Stir in scallions.

My final commitment? I WILL NOT spit out my wine at tasting events. I mean that’s like blasphemy right? What a waste. On the other hand asking for ice flunks me out of sommelier school for dummies too. Here’s to wishing all you in Tunaville a happy and prosperous new year.

46 comments:

Mamma has spoken said...

Not spit out wine? Haven't you seen those programs where they swirl the wine, smell the wine, sip the wine, then spit it into a glass? They say it's not to get drunk.
As for the tramp stamp, I am laughing over here! I've seen many a trap stamps and find them funny in way too many ways. Glad I won't have to be making fun of yours ;o)
Good luck with all that you set out to do, they all seem obtainable if you put your mind to it. Happy New Year!

The Zadge said...

My Gelatinous Muffin Top can beat your Gelatinous Muffin Top. And it's two years younger.

Kimberly said...

My good friend's fiance used to be a stripper. Now she's a paralegal. That story is amusing on its own, but the reason I'm sharing is actually relevant. She got a tramp stamp during her stripping years, and since retiring from the pole/laps of wealthy gentlemen and accepting a desk job, she's gained about 20 lbs. Her "cute" little tribal butterfly is now cracked from stretch marks and hangs over the back of her jeans. Eww.

And I'll share this because I know you'll appreciate it. Her reason for stripping? She was trying to put herself through school to become an elementary school teacher. 9 years in, she finally got her associate's degree from a community college, graduating with a "C" average. Winner.

MOV said...

Of course do not spit the wine out. That's what your pores are for.

I really like how your resolutions/ commitments are about things you will do and things you won't do. Cleverly written and well-crafted.

And I especially love how you have an entire city named after you ("Tunaville"). Geesh, are you sleeping with the Mayor or what?

best,
MOV

EmptyNester said...

I want a tattoo. I want one real bad. I even know what I want- I want 5 starfish down my back. One representing me and the other 4 representing the four lovelies. However, I am a bigger chicken shit than you when it comes to that kind of pain. Thus, the lack of tattoos on my person.

But WAIT! If I started writing wine reviews...LOL

Ami said...

I avoid the wine spitting issue by refusing to even consider drinking wine. YUCK.

I did have a brief foray into Boones Farms Tickle Pink back in high school, and had to cut it with 7up. Does that even count?

And I don't have a muffin top. I have a whole goddamn bakery.

Kernut the Blond said...

I never did the spitting out of wine, either. Then I would be a goofy drunk at a nice winery. One wine tasting date didn't end well.

Haapy Prosperous New Year to you, Team Tuna, and Bebe! I'll be nearQuartzsite/LHC/ Yuma around mid-January. Then heading east... Hope to see you!

Kim said...

On a dare when I turned 30, I got a teeny tiny tattoo (size of a dime). After two weeks I regretted it. But luckily its not readily visible :) When I spreads to the size of a quarter, I'll drink a bottle of wine (no spitting) and get it removed.

LOLA said...

I think I will get a tramp stamp -- of a penis. As I continue to lose weight, the penis will shrink. It will be such a touching reminder of my ex-husband. Congratulations on your teeny-tiny projects. Is one of them a night in bed with the "Big" Tuna?

Love,
Lola

Marianne said...

Where did you get that picture of me?

Cyn said...

i am with you -- a mere whiff of vodka & i am hovering in a corner in the fetal position, rocking back & forth while i suck my thumb. and i owe it to years of working in the bar scene as well.
i have moved on to classier box o' wine... if they ever need a review -- i'm their gal! heh.

oceangirl said...

Great resolutions! Happy New Year Mrs Tuna.

Stephanie said...

That photo is painful to see. No wonder I wear "Mom" pants...

Tracy said...

Never ever spit out wine. Unless it has turned so bad then pour it out after describing to everyone how bad it is.

Cathy at Wives with Knives said...

Hahaha...you aren't the only one with a muffin top! Maybe this year I will keep some of the resolutions I will make. On my list is finishing up projects I didn't complete last year. Will it ever end????

Mommie Dearest Strikes Again said...

I loved this post! I've actually never heard the expression "tramp stamp" before, but I love it! Your resolutions are spot on and I love that they're so achievable. I'm patterning my resolutions after yours.

And I am definitely making those sweet potatoes tomorrow. They sound delicious. Happy New Year!

Muffy Morgan said...

So funny!
You need the electric wine opener and chiller I got for Christmas. Keeps your wine ice cold AND classy. I feel very Real Housewives of NY with special kitchen appliances for my wine now. Added bonus. Except that they are the very reality show nightmares that make me feel like I am the expert on morals, etiquette, and totally have my sh*t together...
Anyhoodles! Found you at the B.E.Hop! New follower. Love the attitude!
*Clink*
-Muffy.

dbs said...

Can you make sure my daughter doesn't get a tramp stamp either? I'd really appreciate it.

Christina Williams said...

Lol. I certainly won't get a tramp stamp either. And I would certainly love to get rid of my muffin top!

Vapid Vixen said...

I'm pretty sure it's okay to spit out your bark flavored wine as long as no one sees you see do it. Kinda like, if a tree falls in the forest and no one's there to hear it??

Hilary said...

Happy New Year... I never spit either!

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

Mrs. Tuna, several years ago I saw someone at the beach with a Snoopy tattoo on their ample chest. I suspect that is more of a bassett hound these days, which is all the reason in the world to never ever get a tattoo. The End.

Mrs. Pancakes said...

Love these and I couldn't agree more about setting reasonable and attainable goals!!! Happy new year!

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

I LOVE this and your blog! :0)

After last night, I have to agree about vodka--such nasty stuff ;)

Becca said...

What fun goals! I have thought about getting a tramp stamp at times but I can't handle the stigma that goes with it! ;)

BragonDorn said...

Good luck to you throughout the year :)

Laura Rogers said...

I love this funny post and I will make that sweet potato recipe. YUM

Caffeinated OC Mommy said...

Cups Up! to keeping your resolutions for 2012 my Dear Mrs. Tuna... blowing kisses... xoxo

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

I've never had ice in my wine before, but yesterday when I was watching Mob Wives, I noticed that she had wine in hers. Yes, I'm a sucker for reality tv.

Yay for some new jobs for you!

LegalMist said...

I think I will adopt some of your resolutions. They seem achievable, yet also important!

I would very much like to know how to get in on this "wine review" racket... er, I mean, how to qualify to be a legitimate wine reviewer. I spend enough damn money on the stuff. I ought to qualify as an expert - and would love to drink some of it for free!!

Gene Pool Diva said...

You've been over at my place stirring up trouble and kickin dust. I forgive you, but only because of the fabulous yam recipe. Now, what can you recommend in a cheap cabernet? (Yep, I'm a two buck chuck groupie. Thank you Charles Shaw.)
Love Penelope.

Gene Pool Diva said...

You've been over at my place stirring up trouble and kickin dust. I forgive you, but only because of the fabulous yam recipe. Now, what can you recommend in a cheap cabernet? (Yep, I'm a two buck chuck groupie. Thank you Charles Shaw.)
Love Penelope.

Kristy said...

I promise I won't stop fucking swearing! :)

Sandra said...

You know you've arrived when people are sending you wine to review! I don't drink wine, but if I did, I'd be wildly jealous. Hey, if you ever get to review chocolate, can I partake of your success?
I start classes again tomorrow....booooo!

WhisperingWriter said...

I wish Little Debbies would offer me free samples. I'd gladly review them! Or any other sweet food company ;)

I'm So Fancy said...

Nothing makes me more insane than people using the spittoon! Who do they think they are? Jesus drank wine for Pete's sake! Happy New Year! I'm with you on the sweet potato fare. H has some trimming to do. x

Anonymous said...

Ms. Tuna, it was really mean of you to share that photo of me! You and B want to do SDL again on Thurs? Ms. A

The Defiant Marshmallow said...

At least the wine reviews will continue. The tramp stamp would actually be pretty funny if it said something like, "Bounty" on it. But then again, I'm a careless, thoughtless boob, so what the hell do I know?

Red Nomad OZ said...

Oh thank god. There ARE real NY resolutions to be had. I was thinking I'd have to vow to read all those cutesy and heartwarming emails that make me want to gag; or maybe mainline unprocessed bran; or learn to listen to my inner adult whenever I wanted to do something fun!

Now all I have to do is follow your list! How can I ever thank you?!?!?!

Happy New Year!

Red Nomad OZ said...

PS C'mon! Surely there's a legitimate way to fatten up those sweet potatoes??!!

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

Happy New Year!I'm just getting a visual on the inappropriate crafting possibilities...hee hee..

Brooke said...

New follower via Blog Hop!

I agree -- tramp stamps are a BAD idea.

Brooke
http://cupcakecucumber.blogspot.com/

momto8 said...

haha! I love that bartender stick together!

The Empress said...

The muffintop picture.

Now I have to go spit out the Swedish Tea cake I just jammed in my mouth.

xo

denisemalloy.com said...

OMG I need that muffin top pic on my fridge. . . talk about motivating! Sheesh! ( and just think how fabulous a tramp stamp would look on that - in about 25 years. . .) *shudder*

denisemalloy.com said...

OMG I need that muffin top pic on my fridge. . . talk about motivating! Sheesh! ( and just think how fabulous a tramp stamp would look on that - in about 25 years. . .) *shudder*