Sheldon Does the Pageant

I feel compelled to start out this week with a disclaimer so you don’t get my ass sued for my off center ramblings "Although inspired in part by a true incident, the following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event, except of course Sheldon." There, that should cover it.

The Big Tuna is on vacation with my brother for 10 days so tonight I will make us literally the simplest meal ever.

Tortellini in Cream Sauce
1 package refrigerated tortellini
1 tablespoon butter
1 cup heavy cream
½ cup parmesan cheese
While cooking tortellini according to package directions, melt butter in small sauce pan. Add cream and heat just below boiling, add cheese stirring until a creamy sauce, and add in drained, cooked tortellini. There done, less then 10 minutes in the kitchen.



A few months ago Sheldon announced that she’d started a bucket list, I’m not entirely sure why a 21 year old needs a bucket list but have at it. I’m personally afraid if I make a list, it may depress me if I don’t get to check items off so I’m happy to continue to wing it in my usual willy nilly way. She said, “I want to try out for Miss Fill in the Blank State, you know Ronald Rump’s pageant. (Hence the disclaimer). I need to attend the information meeting with a parental unit.” Not only did I have to attend, but apparently there is a dress code, had to wear heels and pantyhose, on a Sunday afternoon, in August, in Phoenix. That’s true love for you.

At the registration table our official greeter signed us in and introduced us to the sales pitch guru. He sized me up with my first firm, man handshake as a woman who wouldn’t be sucked into the Toddler and Tiara vortex. Waiting for the other “contestants” to be seated they ran an endless loop of the Miss Left Coast pageant with tons of spray tans and giant boobs. Two contestant names? Miss Tarzana and Miss Weho? Really, me Tarzan, you Jane?

Assigned seating placed us in the front row, nice and close to Joe Isuzu. (Joe Isuzu was a smarmy car sales guy from my youth.) Joe spent the entire time trying to convince me what a fabulous opportunity it would be for our daughters. He spent his time talking about family commitment, translation, hang on to your checkbooks mommy and daddy. I of course came up with real questions during the Q & A. What’s the gig with scholarships? This here literature shows a full scholarship only to Basket Weaving U, what about real accredited schools? How do the girls get their local titles? Not real contests, just the first to arrive with their entry fees. Hello Miss Fire Rock. I laid it out for Sheldon, all dough is on you honey child, I have to give her credit, she got enough sponsors to cover the cost.

The big weekend just ended and Sheldon looked beautiful but did have one fatal flaw that knocked our Little Miss Awesomeness out of the competition. She was tall, she was fit, she had the magic blonde hair and……..the giant tattoo on her hip. They were unwilling to waive the only bikinis rules which left it out for the entire world to see. Her tat is a big color in crown, in theory it means loyalty or something, but all I can ever think about is the Burger King slogan, have it your way. Bebe in BFE watched the live streaming and the instant messaging community lit up the bar like a pinball machine according to her. Ah well, one thing checked off her list, 99 more to go. Hooray Sheldon