Wednesday, November 21, 2012

The Poisoned Pen

Mrs. Tuna’s writing ability has been held hostage by a variety of counter intuitive actions that have kept her from writing fun and amusing anecdotes about life in Tunaville.  I am squeezing every ounce of creative writing for the powers of evil rather than good. Here are some shining examples of how I’m wasting my 65 word per minute typing skills.

For my Movement and Motion Planning class I penned:

"The dialogue of the story depicts the unsettling and uncivilized continent of Africa. The wandering of the main character Marlowe, reflects how he changed his perception and outlook on cultured society versus the untamed world. "

Instead of writing about Sheldon’s near impersonation of a Lindsay Lohan panty flash at her Wedding Shower.

Or my rewriting of an employment cover letter for a friend:

“I believe I would be a great fit as I have the experience to effectively connect from a customer and contractor perspective. While my inside sales background is limited, I have been actively involved in undertakings that parallel these tasks. “

Instead of describing Bebe giving us a pole dancing demonstration in the Bat Cave.

Or creative proposals for Endless Engineering to be considered for big ass projects:

“Endless Engineering has a proven record of success completing hundreds of miles of roadway projects through both public and private infrastructure improvements across the State of Arizona. “

Rather than the new marketing chick who was more of a penis hire whose previous experience was medical sales and Budweiser promotion, fondly denoted as “Beer Girl”.

But my neglected followers, the end is in sight. Mrs. Tuna and Sheldon will be graduating from Arizona State in a mere four weeks.  It’s down to one term paper, two exams and a formal presentation of the horrors of Food Deserts and I’m all yours.  While I’m not actually cooking due to my crazed schedule, I will provide a bit of nourishment for your starving masses.

Pesto Sauce
2 cups fresh basil leaves (cheap date a Trader Joe’s) Rinsed and dried
2 cloves garlic crushed
1 ounce pine nuts
2 ounces grated parmesan cheese
2-3 tablespoons olive oil
Salt and pepper
12 ounces Pasta cooked per directions.

In food processor, add basil, garlic, pine nuts and parmesan cheese, pulse for about 30 seconds. Keep motor running and slowly add oil. Add to cooked pasta and toss to mix and serve hot.

Oh the places we will go in a few short days. All the scoop on Sheldon and Brits wedding plans with crazy hair fascinators, the adventures of Beer Girl with her manicured nails,  and those whiny college punks in Ugg boots and with shorts so tight you can see the outline of vagina lips.  Admit it, you’ve missed my smutty ways.  Good week peeps.


Andrea said...

Go go go! The end, and return to us, is in sight. P.s. I can almost accept the Lindsey-esque flash, but cannot accept you as Mrs. Lohan!

mamahasspoken said...

Oh they all sound like great stories, guess I'll let my emagination fill in the blanks for the next four weeks ;o)

Elpoo said...

I had to read Heart of Darkness 3 times in the space of 18 months for 3 different classes.

I can't remember much other than "the horror. the horror".

I think they might have said that in the book, too.

Poppy said...

Now I think you must have been talking to Sandra because I don't think I've been here before. I know I've seen your name on her blog. I totally would have remembered someone who could post a recipe of pesto, give a camel toe visual and STILL make me want to boil some noodles. Well done.

Hilary said...

4 weeks is nothing... woo hop you did it!

Marianne said...

Congrats are your pending graduation. We will still be here. We are always here. (:

Ms. G said...

Sooo close! But come on, give Beer Girl credit. I'm sure this could be on her resume:
[completing hundreds of miles of on the road projects through both public infrastructure and private after presentation parties.]

Holding down the smut till you get back : )

Val said...

Yes to Party Flash. Yes to Pole Dancing. Yes to Beer Girl. A polite but politically correct, "No thank you," to the vagina lips (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Anonymous said...

Hooray for graduation and crazy fascinators (as opposed to "hats", horror of horrors of course!). Big boo(bs) for Beer Girl. Although, without doubt, she'll provide endless blog fodder.

Alexandra said...

Hang in there, you are so wonderfullly sweet, you won't lose any of us.

Happy thanksgiving, dear lady.


Annie (Lady M) x said...

I have definitely missed your smutty ways! And I can't wait until you are back on a regular basis. Good luck with the graduation - you are graduating too?

Kimberly said...

In the words of that guy who is always saying "You can dooo it" in those Adam Sandler movies, I want to say, you can doooo it.

Jo said...

Smut has been missing and recipes in the midst of same...unheard of any place other than here!

Can hardly wait for the return of your always awesome and fun posts!

Nicki said...

ERMAGAWWDD!! You're about to graduate? Congratulations!!!!!! Just think, in four weeks you can finally tell those term papers and GPAs to KISS YOUR SNARKY BLOGGING ASS!

Lisa said...

Being late to the party means there's only three more weeks to go. Enjoyed your poisoned pens, I could copy some of them, and your pesto dish too. Hi Mrs Tuna, formerly known as oceangirl, missing you :)

Liz Mays said...

Wow, the end is in sight! This is beyond exciting!!!!! You'll be a big girl! :) Congrats, congrats, congrats.

NATurally Inappropriate said...

Super excited for you guys!!

Shawn said...

Wow, with your schedule, I'm surprised you have the time to log into blogger! I'm a slacker for no apparent no particular order..
Work, Family, Quilting, Facebook, Pinterest, Wine and Pets.
On the list, Wine should probably folllow Work!
Take care,

Vapid Vixen said...

OH my gosh! You're on the home stretch! You're almost there!!!! GO GO GO GO TEAM TUNA!!!

Stephanie said...

Oh yes, I have missed you but it does sound that the end is near! It will all be worth it in the end:)

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