Sunday, March 20, 2011

Far Flung In Laws

We all know how Mrs. Tuna is distracted by shiny objects, losing her focus and misplacing her wine glass. Last week I had a post comment asking me to contact them for an interesting proposition. Since I am no longer the young nubile girl of my youth I knew it wasn’t going to be anything slutty. Imagine my thrill at being asked to be a regular featured writer on Inthepowderroom, a place to spew my random thoughts on life of over the edge. I will keep you posted on when the roll out begins but the most exciting part is they will pay me in vino. But…….that means that this week is going to be a bit of cheater. Rumors are swirling that a certain somebody is coming for their yearly visit.



Sesame Chicken and Phil (FFIL)
Many, many moons ago, the Big Tuna and I left the bosom of our families back east and moved to sunny Arizona. As a fairly new bride my cooking skills were at the kindergarten level but I managed to piece together enough of a meal to keep us from starving to death. I should at this point say that after more than a quarter of a century, between us we’ve gained enough weight to have added a 5th grader.

During cold and bitter months we are a favorite destination spot for long lost relatives. We have one Far Flung In Law (FFIL) or Phil who has a tendency to be a major critic of people for a little personal sport. On his initial visit he and the Big Tuna decided they’d go for a day of golf and we’d head out to a fancy dinner once I returned from my job at the old slave market. Upon my homecoming, the boys had been visiting the beer cart in the hot, hot sun and decided the little woman could hook them up with a bite to eat. So be it, bacon wrapped beef filet, broccoli, and Rice a Roni it’s a meal, or is it….

Me: Something wrong with the rice Phil?
Phil: Mrs. Phil never makes Rice a Roni.
Me: Well Mrs. Phil doesn’t work so she has time to grow her own stinking rice.

Okay, I said the last line in my head, not out loud.

The following day, the Big Tuna left on a business trip but the good sport I am, made another feeble attempt at cooking something to please this picky in law.

Sesame Chicken
4 chicken breasts
½ cup soy sauce
1 cup flour
2 Tablespoons Sesame Seeds
2 Tablespoons butter cut in pieces

Mix together flour and sesame seeds. Dip the chicken breasts in soy sauce and roll in the flour mixture. Place in shallow baking dish, dot with butter. Cover with aluminum foil, bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Remove foil and cook an additional 15 minutes.

Phil: This is the first good thing you’ve ever cooked for me.
Me: And also the very last. (Not in my head)

Phil staggers to town nearly every year, he stopped asking “What’s for Dinner” after about Year Ten. I will assemble a little meal for myself leaving them to forage for cold cuts and can openers. Sometimes he’ll even pop to take us out. The only thing I should mention here, is the best side dish with the chicken? You got it, Rice a Roni.

52 comments:

Mary said...

Gee...sounds like a good time! :D

CkretsGalore said...

Wow, what a douchenugget! Wish you would've said those things to him. What's the woman like that's married to him!?!?

Hey, I'm in the Cold North so can I come visit? I would gladly enjoy your Rice a Roni, do the dishes and tell you how fantabulous you are. Hell leave a bottle of wine and I'll start polishing the silverware.

EmptyNester said...

Relatives like to visit us because we live so close to the beach and Charleston. They're all from my side though- and quite nice. Hub's family lives right here in the town of In-Law HELL. LOL

ModernMom said...

LOL Guess there is some advantage to the in-laws only being 20 minutes away.They never stay over night:)

PS Nothing is wrong with Rice A Roni!

Ms.Wasteland said...

I've managed to avoid any Phil visits for 2 years now. I hope laughing at you (with you?) didn't jinx me.

Kristina P. said...

You are a good woman. I would made him Hamburger Helper!

dbs said...

This was funny. (Not just inside my head.)

Missy said...

I would rather have a pap smear with a rattle snake than have relatives come to visit!

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Fun post! And that recipe sounds so easy I may even try it... oh who are we kidding its costco premade stuff again tonight...

Shawn Becker said...

Mrs. tuna,
This was such a great post, which is why you were chosen to be a regular featured writer on In the Powder Room. A well deserved honor!
I would eat cup-o-noodles for a visit to Arizona..my home town!
I am an OK cook, but baker I am not! At this very moment I (Little ole' me) is attempting to make a cake recipe blogged by Mrs. B. This is a trial run for a CakeOff at work!! Wish me luck..my hope is that I can get the cake out of the pan in one piece or have enough frosting to cover all the boo boo's!

Mamma has spoken said...

I make rice-a-roni all the time. Don't like it don't eat it, my house is not a resturant. Most of my relatives live close by but they will come over a couple of times a year for dinner. They've learn not to make negative comments about my cooking because I have three dogs that love it ;o)

Sandra said...

Ok, Ckrets Galore has just used my new favourite word: douchenugget, now to surpass douchecanoe!
And congrats on being a regular at In the Powder Room! And what do you mean they pay in vino? I need to find me a gig that pays in chocolate.
Congrats, I'm so happy for you!

Jean | Delightful Repast said...

Mrs. Tuna, I'm not going to knock a working woman's dinner choice! And my sister (who missed the love-to-cook gene) made some good Rice-a-Roni!

The Onion said...

Take this Rice and shove it Phil!

The Empress said...

Rude.

I am SO happy to have this white box here to tell you, that I made fish once for the MIL, and she said, "I don't like fish that's spongey."

Well, who asked you???

Romina Garcia said...

Congratulations!
Use that wine they will pay you with, to numb the pain. x

Red Nomad OZ said...

Hah! I actually think you're being WAAAAAY too polite!! I'll bet at the end of your life you're NOT going to be saying 'gee, I wish I'd had more opportunity to cook for others'! Am I right??

Hilary said...

I haven't had rice-a-roni in years, but you have me wanting some. Good luck with the visit. I hear your pain. Mine doesn't come for a few more months, but the worst part of mine is she is no one's mother, just a long time girlfriend, and hell, so it is hard to even rationalize having to be nice when she is nasty & a slob!

Anna said...

Congrats!

I've been looking for a sesame chicken recipe, I'll have to try this one. I don't think there is anything wrong with rice-a-roni, my mom used it often as a side. I think it's incredibly rude when you cook for someone, and instead of simply saying thanks, they find something to pick at. :/

Facing50Blog.com said...

Okay I really love you today because I made Hubby chicken last week and it was quite truthfully disgusting (It's currently in the recycling bin stinking away merrily. Hope the bin men have gas masks when they empty it tomorrow. This recipe looks brilliantly easy even for me and Rice a Roni will do for me too.
Huge congratulations on your 'proposition'and I shall definitely be visiting you in the powder room.

jdracecar said...

This is a great post, I love it!! I would have reacted the same way, how can people be so rude?! Very funny! :)

Ms Bibi said...

That man doesn't deserve the awesomeness that is Rice a Roni. It is the ultimate San Francisco treat after all.....I hope you never cook for him again.

twelvedaysold said...

Ahh, random thoughts of life over the edge. Is there anything better? Well, maybe you bringing over a dish of that sesame chicken.

Kernut the Blond said...

LOL! I had a BF (for about 5 minutes) who sounded like Phil. I especially love that you just stopped cooking for him altogether!! "No more cooked meals for you!" Bravo!

lovinangels said...

Omg, I'm glad my inlaws are awesome. My family is not as forgiving, I cooked a huge Christmas day brunch after going to the er with my little one Christmas eve. I made three kinds of meat, sausage, bacon, and vegan sausage for my veggie sister. No one liked the vegan sausage and someone tried to feed it to the dog, who really did say no as much as a dog possibly can.

The dog finally caved, and vomited vegan sausage all over my rug.

Does ANYONE remember the homemade bagels and homemade english muffins and lox and cream cheese and quiche? NO. The remember the dog vomiting fake sausage.

Stephanie said...

Congrats of the In The Powder Room gig! I love the idea of Phil foraging for himself. You go girl!

Marnie said...

Congrats on being a regular contributor In The Powder Room. That is so nice to see. xo

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

Congratulations on the Powder Room gig, sista! Also, in-laws:

MIL: What is that you are serving with the steak?
Me: Sauteed mushrooms, salad, roasted garlic potatoes.
MIL: OOOOH. Mushrooms. We've never had those. Wow, that's different. BTW, I like my meat well done. (like a hockey puck...bubble over my head)

Now I tell my husband to make run to Panera. Let them eat sandwiches, I say.

doreen said...

How exciting on the powder room thing...sounds really interesting. My husband has 6 yes 6 older sisters. It is like having 6 MIL's I tell you. I have found a nice polite way to keep them at bay. I blow them all away at cooking though:)

Anne Flournoy said...

oh my gosh! "leaving them to forage for themselves"! Why didn't I have this blog when I needed it!! ( as a fiancée, a newlywed and on out) My only problem is being a sloooooow reader. So I'll savor the posts. THANK YOU.

Julie said...

HAHAHAHAHA! (and a big F off to Phil (or should I say PH off?)

Sorry to laugh. But my own relatives are fond of these adjectives to describe my attempts to cook for them:

Interesting.
Different.

Really? They cannot fathom a meal without a can of Campbell's soup as the main ingredient. So next time, I'm going with Rice a Roni.

Sounds delicious. LOVE.

CanadianMama said...

WOW, Phil sounds like a real treat! Now, how can I get paid in wine!!!

Oh, if you add an email to your profile I can email you my comment responses - do it - please!!!!!!!!!! For me!?!

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

Congratulations on the Powder Room spot! I haven't heard of it before and will definitely check it out. Sounds like a fun place: )

And seriously. I have chicken breast defrosted I have been considering all day with a feeling of "blech". You just solved it for me. I actually have all that stuff and it sounds good! We will appreciate it Way More than Phil!

MommyToTwoBoys said...

Rice-a-Roni rocks! Especially the Spanish one where you add canned tomatoes! I love it and add green olives.

Phil needs to chill, if I ever made bacon wrapped fillet my husband would re-propose!

And I loved the line about gaining enough to add a fifth grader. We've done the same over here...

Laoch of Chicago said...

One loves Sesame chicken!

Kelly L said...

I love Rice-a-Roni.. My husband not so much... he is more of a plain white rice guy.. My kids will often eat rice-a-roni for dinner or lunch... I love the simplicity of your Chicken recipe - I will try it..
Love your humor!
Kelly
I've Become My Mother
Kelly's Ideas
Amazing Salvation

Vee said...

I'll be trying the chicken recipe. I think maybe you need to have a "Guest Booklet" to hand to those fair weather hunting guests when they arrive. Right after, "No singing in the shower" you might enter, "No maid or food service provided."

blueviolet said...

LOL!! I'm glad you made a few of those comments out loud!

Annie (Lady M) x said...

Congratulations my dear! That is great news about you being asked to write for inthepowerroom. Even better than you get paid in vino.... that is way better than $$$$$$!

The chicken recipe sounds bloody lovely, but I don't know what Rice a Roni is because I am a heathen!

Katertot said...

I can't wait to read the entry after this years visit!

This is just awesome - well, awesome for me because it's not my FFIL! :)

Debbie said...

I love Rice a Roni! That many San Franciscans can't be wrong!

Ca88andra said...

That chicken looks yummy! I will definitely have to try it - just have to wait for a night when middle son isn't home as he won't eat chicken.

Siv Maria said...

Following you from a hopp, can't remember which one :) looking forward to coming back and reading more. Hope you come and visit me too.

The Big Tuna said...

Baby, we all have our crosses to bare!

Glynis said...

Sorry it took so long to follow back. I too live in a favorite winter destination for family. My father in law is coming to visit this week.
Oh joy, I just can't wait (I think to myself in a sarcastic tone)
Thanks for following. http://momsinvent.blogspot.com/

1 Funky Woman said...

I refuse to cook for the out-laws! It isn't fun, theres a mess and I can't drink when they are around. Yes that last one is BS. As we've been married longer I don't care as much, I just don't order a beverage when its on their dime!

Congrats on guest posting, how awesome! I'll be there to read them!

Megan

Not Blessed Mama said...

i had the same powderroom request and am anxiously awaiting to see my words immortalized in their glorious site- and for my wine $$.

Clare and Gary said...

The English girl says.. what is Rice-a-Roni?

FreeFlying said...

You're a professional writer!!!! Congratulations!! That's so exciting. And I'm really jealous. But I still like you.

Tanya (a Taste of T) said...

Here from a blog hop and happy to meet you,
<3, New Follower

Get a dose of laughgter at A Taste of T

Marla said...

Well congrats to you for being a writer of well earned vino proportions. Excellent!

As for Phil, I would venture to say he ends up with a plate of pasta in his lap one fine day.

Muay Thai Los Angeles said...

I cook Rice-A-Roni with chicken all the time! It goes with everything, so I wouldn't mind Phil. Heck, if I were you, when he comes to town I would fill all the cabinets with it!