Friday, June 8, 2012

50 Shades of Beige

All this wedding planning for Sheldon is bringing self-reflection of three decades with the Big Tuna.  That’s a long ass time to spend with anyone. Ms. Anonymous gave me 50 Shades of Grey for a birthday gift. She also gave me a professional cordless ah…….wine opener. Get your filthy minds out of the gutter, this blog is supposed to be rated PG. Okay, maybe not.  Essentially, its sex text for those frustrated mommies who have a secret S & M desire.

The young married Tunas (note we are waiting for the Polaroids to dry)

But truth be told, my advice to Sheldon is that it’s not always about unicorns and farting rainbows.  It’s about the little things that make or break you.  And having absolutely nothing in common. That’s right you heard me.  Essentially, we have our own friends and hobbies and just meet up for our conjugal visits. Unless of course you are Sheldon reading this post, and then Mommy and Daddy are just watching Sportscenter and playing Scrabble in the evenings.  So let’s discuss our differences shall we.

The Big Tuna likes steak and potatoes, tapping into the mighty hunter role. He never even ate broccoli until he met me. He shudders at the thought of avocados.  I was seriously a faux vegetarian when we met, I didn’t do cow.  He also rejects all cheese except for mozzarella. I mean, what civilized person doesn’t have a daily affair with cheddar?

And don’t get me started on NASCAR racing.  All those counterclockwise circles just make me dizzy, I had to take Dramamine when we went to Disneyland for Pete’s sake. Stop trying to tell me that Jeff Gordon, all 5’-2” of him, is a real athlete. I might however, give you that Tony Stewart is yummy, I mean interesting to watch. Big Tuna is always a much more assertive driver during race season. I call it reckless driving and tailgating, he calls it drafting.

Let’s end with the big one. He doesn’t like wine. Blasphemy I know. I mean I’m so high class with my ice cubes but seriously, how could you not like vino. He drinks, yuck, Gatorade and Diet Pepsi.  This week’s recipe is something sweet for my sweetie.

Split Second Cookies
2 cups flour
2/3 cup sugar
½ teaspoon baking powder
¾ cup butter softened
1 egg
2 teaspoons of vanilla
Your favorite jam or jelly, try strawberry or raspberry.

Sift together dry ingredients. Blend in remaining items except jam and place on ungreased cookie sheet. Divide into 4 parts, shape each into role, 12” long, ¾” think. Make a depression ¼ to 1/3 inch deep, lengthwise down center with the back of a knife. Fill with jam. Bake at 350 degrees for 15 to 20 minutes. After it cools slightly, slice into 1 inch pieces.

But, he has a heart of gold. Stopping for ladies with flat tires on the freeways and lost puppies. He even got a little misty thinking about walking Sheldon down the aisle next winter.  Watching TV in bed last week, an online dating commercial came on, he snuggled up and said, “if I die first I want you to sign up for so you can be happy.” I don’t even know where to go with that. I’m not wishing anything bad to happen, but do you think Curtis Stone will still be available?

PS-I only need three more followers to reach the magic 500. You all remember when we had a free wine giveaway at 400. So if you read this blog and don’t follow, GET ON IT!  I need validation. Good week Team Tuna!


Catherine Dabels said...

Diet Pepsi.

Mmmmmmmm. My favourite.

I may be running away with Big Tuna in the near future.

Kirby Dunton Carespodi said...

Yep. It's all about leading your separate lives and then the conjugal visits. Unless you gang up on your kids. That's cool, too.
Closing in on 30 ourselves.

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

I am seriously misty eyed over the Polaroids. Sniff.

And we love Mrs. Tuna's long hair!

Mamma has spoken said...

Almost 500? That's great!
As for my secret to a long marriage, I tell hubby it's the fact that we couldn't afford to divorce ;o)

Kim said...

Doesn't like wine?? Is that even possible?? You should have him tested. Lol
You're gonna love 50 Shades ;)

The Zadge said...

Only a happily married person would urge someone to go on, or, as I call it.

Kerry said...

NASCAR is NOT a sport! You must love Big Tuna soooo much.

Your recipe sounds good, especially because of the butter and the jelly trough. Add the jelly before baking?

Better than following, I have your blog in my sidebar.

Andrea said...

Well now I feel better for wondering what the heck the hubs and I have incommon these days! I will keep the thought of NASCAR in mind when I have the slightest inkling to complain about the buffalo bills!

Charlotte said...

I have to agree with a lot of what you said. Was he serious about I don't know about that.
I couldn't believe that I have not joined, so I am now a follower. I have read your frequently from BPOTW. Hopefully you can read mine and become a follower. I too thrive on validation.

Red Nomad OZ said...

Hahaha! Now that you've turned our minds to gutters (by telling us to get out of them) I couldn't help wondering if there's a message in the name of the cookies??!?!

And ... if I could follow you twice, I would. But sadly, Google doesn't allow it ...

MOV said...

Tuna, Tuna, Tuna,

I am always so very excited when I see a new blog post from you in my email inbox. It is like getting a personal chatty letter from a faraway friend that you don't really know that well (okay, at all) but you know it will be funny.

I just want to gobble up your words like the last bits of brownie crumbs in the pan. THAT IS ALL THERE IS?!? Give me more! Your writing has that effect on me. You are so talented. Wow.

Hope you have more time to write this summer!!!!!!!


Mommy Bags said...

No wine no cheddar? OK I don't get the Nascar racy thing either my husband is addicted to it - so damn boring.

♥ Shar said...


I'm Shar! New follower from Blog Hops Everyday! Come visit me over at:

xoxo -Shar

Vapid Vixen said...

It makes me happy to know there are still men like the Big Tuna out there to help out the underdogs...even if he's the one tailgating said underdogs.

Ami said...

I don't do wine either. Actually I don't drink any kind of alcohol. I don't like it.

And Eric and I have been married going on 32 years now.

What's the secret? I don't think there is a secret unless it's putting the other person first. Always.

If you both do that, you both win.


Laoch of Chicago said...

More vanilla!

Sandra said...

I'm here I'm here ~she said panting~ If it makes you feel any better I'm neglecting my school work as well, not just you. I'm supposed to be writing a paper on a subject I know nothing about. And yes, I agree, staying married is about having absolutely nothing in common. Wayne and I haven't gone to bed at the same time in almost a year...actually we haven't..ummm...played Scrabble in quite some time as well.

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

A non-wine and non-cheese lover?? What??

Agree with nothing in common - the husband loves off road motorcycle riding, I shudder at all the dirt. Yet, her we are.

Clairejustine said...

I love wine and eventually my hubby does to,going to check if i'm following now to bum your followers up if not :)have a lovely Sunday :)

Kimberly said... put ice cubes in your wine?
Really? did I read that wrong.
I won't judge you.
And yes, cheese is like a mandatory part of my food pyramid right next to gummie bears.

Pam Lofton said...

I remember the wine giveaway. I remember that I didn't win it. :) The husband and I are quite different also. But I find this less and less charming as the years go by. LOL

dbs said...

My wife and I are very different too. It works for us too.

Kathy said...

Very cool how you combine blogs with recipes. :D Thank you for the visit and the follow. I am officially following you back.


Modern Bedroom said...

I’m impressed! Your strategy is outstanding; Thanks for setting me straight with quality information. You're just extremely excellent!

Anonymous said...

My hubby watches NASCAR, too. That's some mind-numbing shit.

Brenda Stevens said...

You lost me at "farting rainbows" i am still laughing..what a joy to read..even if the stark black and white makes me go blind!! hehe Great read my friend, even the recipe is tempting!

Nicki said...

Okay, I'd hate the wine thing, but I kind of get it. But the cheese thing? SAY IT AIN'T SO!!!

LisaD said...

It drives me nuts that they go backwards, too! Nascar, that is...Am I #500? I live in Phoenix, too:)

Joyce Lansky said...

The heart of gold makes all else bearable. BTW, I loved the Fifty Shades escape series. Give it a chance.

Anna said...

I loved this post! Me and hubby are celebrating 20 this week and we have nothing in common besides our faith and love of desserts! I do know that he would take a bullet for me. Btw, I read 50...there's actually a story there!

Jo said...

Hey! Again, you made me laugh out loud. My husband and I have something in common, but neither of us remember what it is. Oh, yeah, I got it, the conjugal visit thing, we both like that!
Otherwise, yeah, nothing much.
I like to cook and he likes to eat. That kinda works.
No wine and very little cheese for him, too and I don't think that is even humanly possible, but I live with it!

Pins and Needles said...

Hahaha, I love the part about watching Sportcenter and playing Scrabble! I'm the cheese hater in our house I'm afraid to say (apart from Mozarella which doubles nicely as a bouncy ball) but luckily we do both like wine. I also love your blog and so I've nominated you at mine for the Versatile Blogger Award - you don't have to take part if you don't want to, but I just wanted to include you in my links :-)

Anonymous said...

I don't get watching Nascar, lap after lap...unless someone crashes, it get's exciting, which is awful! I love diet-pepsi and I love wine. Winning! lol

Hilary said...

He doesn't like wine???? And you still married him????

Don't those "if I die first" conversations kill you? Marc always tells me he wants me to make sure to date (and not be like my mom who never dated again after my dad passed away 24 years ago)

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

Oh, I agree with you. My husband and I don't even like the same tv shows except for a couple we just watch over and over. Kind of like each other ; )

Cupcake Murphy said...

I LOVE THIS MORE THAN AIR. I saw a woman wearing an oversized "gypsy" type t-shirt, high top tennis shoes and a pair of pants that looked like they came from the Spanish Inquisition and I thought of you.

Annie (Lady M) x said...

Hello dahlink, sorry I haven't popped by in a while. I'm starting up a new business.

I loved this post ... starting from the picture and then you listing all your differences made me laugh my head off!

It just goes to show that you don't have to be clones to be married HIP HIP!

J.R. said...

Gatorade and Diet Pepsi? I'll give him that. Mozzarella? O.K., yum!
Nascar? Uhhhhhh, stops there.

Dislike of wine? You must really love him. ;)

Love the picture! I miss shakin and blowin on polaroids. Is that weird?
Great Post! Heartfelt and funny at the same time. Smile on my face right now.

The Empress said...

Shocking and knocks you off your feet how time passes.

Those precious Polaroids...

Anonymous said...

nice posting.. thanks for sharing.

Corinna said...

Aww my co-worker swears that while opposites attract, they never last. I've known my husband since kindergarten and he's a foot taller than me! So we're opposite in pretty much every way, but we make it work and are really happy together.

It's all about commitment. We love and often dislike each other, but knowing that it's okay gets us through everything.

Oh and I tried making Jello cookies last Christmas and they turned out beautifully. They're now a quick and easy holiday staple.