Sunday, April 7, 2013

We Got Game


Every spring blossoms the Annual Transportation Conference, where geeky engineers break free of their HP calculators and kiddie soccer coaching duties. They shove their fancy mechanical pencils and titanium pocket scales into their book bags, distanced from their hen pecking wives to drink free flowing booze and stay up past their bedtime. But they are out of shape for wine, women, and song instead, awkwardly palling around with other social misfits, exchanging business cards and snazzy conference apps.



You might even remember I was the Hot Chick last year. Endless Engineering was oozing with jealously when they saw me making out with other attending consultants. It finally brought them to the table with an actual job offer instead of vague promises of permanent employment.   Six months ago it was decided we needed to GET SERIOUS and hire a person to drive the marketing train. It came down to two candidates, in theory so I could get back to doing actual billable work. I would like to point out that this goal has not reached fruition. The first was a shy, soft spoken girl with experience in the industry; the second……was Beer Girl.  Tiny and petite with long blond hair, permanent white tipped nails and big, big, boobs.  Even though her previous background was medical sales and Budweiser advertisements, they were smitten.  Even on my best day I can’t even convince myself I am a measly B cup.  Welcome to the itty bitty titty club. 

Beer Girl came up with a scavenger game for those of us that had to babysit the exhibitor space and entice peeps to our booth.  The theme started off as the “Hunger Games”, great, let’s kill and eat other consultants so we can get ahead. I was supposed to say, “may the odds forever be in your favor”, but I kept fucking it up and saying “may the force be with you.” Thus showing my age and uncoolness. Naturally she couldn’t join us because she was too busy doing origami birds or something.  Boss 1 and 2 think she is amazing, so clever and smart. I Googled the exact same marketing ploy, not exactly unique.  Well played Beer Girl, well played. 

Since we’re focused on beer, here is a recipe to match our theme.

Crock Pot Beer Chicken
2 pounds chicken breasts
1 can or bottle beer
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon garlic powder
½ teaspoon pepper

I have one of those fancy ass grill racks but I’m not coordinated enough to figure out how to balance on the grill top.  I’m much more of a throw stuff together and hope for the best. Combine all ingredients in crook pot and cook on high for 4-5 hours or low for 6-8 hours.

While at the conference I began receiving frantic text messages from the cleaning woman.  She requires cold hard cash for services rendered.  I’d left it smack in the middle of dining room table, with a paperclip the same as every time.  The Big Tuna bounced to the dunes five minutes after I bolted to the conference, so no emergency backup.  Please, please, please clean my house, I’m good for the dough, I’ve faithfully paid for almost twenty years. I’ve got 12 people coming for dinner this weekend and I can’t let them see the tumbleweeds of blond dog hair.  On my drive home I called the man expressing dismay on the missing money.  In the brief moments left alone in the house, he thoughtfully put the money in a drawer “because he didn’t think we should leave cash lying around”. He’s lucky Kathy the Wonderful came through or there would have been Labrador Retriever hair in the potatoes.  Here’s wishing you a good week Team Tuna.

24 comments:

MOV said...

She's baaaaaaaaaaack! Oh, how we missed you!

best,
MOV

Andrea said...

I was just going to console you for saying "May the force be with you" instead of "Live long and prosper"...ummmmmmm....uncool champion!

anne stinnett said...

Ok, I love the Hunger Games, the books that is, but as far as movies go, Star Wars is obviously cooler.

The Defiant Marshmallow said...

I'm sorry, Mrs. Tuna, but did you type anything important that I should have read after the word "boobs"? I kinda got stuck there, with mental images.


I did manage to sort of skim a bit farther, but then got stuck on the word "racks".

Did I miss anything?

Forever yours in awe and admiration,

The Defiant Marshmallow

Laoch of Chicago said...

Time for you to break out some Machiavelli.

Janie Junebug said...

It's nice to see you. I've missed you. I'm so sorry you have to put up with Big Boobs Beer Girl. I know nothing about The Hunger Games and also would say, May the force be with you.

Love,
Janie

P.S. I beg of you: Get rid of the word verification because trying to read those "words" gives me a headache.

Mommy Bags said...

OK why is it that I cannot stop giggling at beer boob girl.......

Twisted Susan said...

You've had a cleaning woman for 25 years?
Who are you, a movie star or something?

Red Nomad OZ said...

HHHMMMmmm... what would've happened to the strategy if someone who didn't know ANYTHING about the Hunger Games actually dropped by??

I believed your claim that your recipe was on-topic - the 1st word I saw there was 'breast'!!!!

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

Let me count the times I've worked with Beer Girl. Oops, ran out of fingers and toes. My condolences...and may the force be with you!

Kimberly said...

I will be the beer girl if I can have her boobs.

julie gardner said...

Oh, we absolutely have tumbleweeds of long blond dog hair here.

It's why we also eat a lot beer-soaked chicken.

(Everything looks better after that dinner.)

Claire Justine said...

Thanks for joining us at Creative Mondays :)

Hilary said...

Not sure if my comment went through - when I first moved in with Marc I put away the money he left out for the cleaning lady so I guess me & the big fish are alike

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

Whew! I'm so glad she went ahead and did it in anticipation of the cash!

Marianne said...

I love that you said "may the force be with you." I probably would have done the same thing!

Jean | Delightful Repast said...

I only had help with the housekeeping for a rather short time - pros and cons, but all in all, I think I could use the help again. Color me green, Mrs Tuna!

Mrs4444 said...

You're cute; it's good to "see" you again.

I shared a GREAT recipe for white chicken chili in a crock pot this week. just google Mrs4444 cooks and crock pot white chicken chili if you're curious.

Kendall is going to study chemical engineering in the fall; I hope she's geeky enough! :)

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

Love it: ) i know how you can upstage beer girl next time. For years, for one of our businesses, we exhibited at Surf Expo. The skate board companies had it down. Give out actual beer! You'll be the most popular firm at the conference.

EC Stilson said...

It so great to read your blog :)

P.S. I LOVE beer. As usual, your recipe sounds awesome!

EC Stilson said...

P.S. I tried it--AWESOME recipe :)

Carole said...

I really like the humour in your blog. Keep it up. And this crock pot chicken is going to be tried out too. I am still struggling to do crock pot stuff successfully. Cheers

N.B. Mama said...

Mrs Tuna, how many years are you going to make me beg you to get on Twitter? Get on there. We can hang out.

Vapid Vixen said...

This post made me want to punch beer girl in her boob.

And then have a beer.